3-year-old: MY FINGERS ARE TURNING INTO OLD PEOPLE! I left her in the bathtub too long. Childhood is terrifying.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 12, 2014
“I want a man who loves me for my mind.”–the caption on every selfie that’s 90% cleavage
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 11, 2014
If you’re having trouble getting pregnant, just make sure it’s a terrible time in your life for a baby. You’ll be knocked up in no time.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 11, 2014
I put on some temporary tattoos with my daughters before I found out they last for days. Now I get to go to work with a sleeve of princesses
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 12, 2014
Me: *phone rings* Priest: Turn that off. We’re in the middle of mass. Me: What if it’s God? Priest: Me: *sends God to voicemail*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 11, 2014