Friend: Are you coming to my mom’s funeral? Me: Is she gonna make her famous casserole? Friend: She’s dead. Me: Then I’ll pass.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 29, 2014
My wife’s favorite filter is the one where she uses Photoshop to replace me with Ryan Gosling.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 29, 2014
Why would I fly all the way to Disneyland when there’s a liquor store down the street?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 29, 2014
4-year-old: Can I ride my bike? Me: OK. *crashing sounds* I meant “outside,” not “down the stairs.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 29, 2014
Wife: She hit her sister. Do something. Me: Did you hit her? 4-year-old: No, I roundhouse kicked her. Me: She didn’t hit her.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 29, 2014