[in church] Me: Stop crying or I’ll take you outside. 2-year-old: *keeps crying* Me: *takes her outside* *gives her $1* *opens Twitter*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 22, 2014
4-year-old: I’m fighting sharks in space! Me: 4: I’m just pretending. For a second there, I was worried.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 22, 2014
4-year-old: I want candy for breakfast! Me: Absolutely not. You need nutritious food. 4: Mom isn’t home. Me: *opens 10 bags of candy*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 22, 2014
I don’t get much sex for a guy who can beat “Guitar Hero” on easy AND medium.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 22, 2014
Wife: Why are you dressed like Sonic? Me: When I asked for sex, you said you’d rather fuck a porcupine Wife: Sonic is a hedgehog Damn it.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 22, 2014