Me: You look nice today Wife: So what do I look like other days? Me: Also nice. Wife: So today I only look normal? Me: *flees to Mexico*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 3, 2014
I still haven’t paid my 35 cent library fine from 12 years ago. My wife doesn’t know she married a fugitive.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 2, 2014
Me: We should get another pet Wife: Remember what happened to the last one? Apparently now I’m to blame for every unexplained hamster fire
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 2, 2014
Me: *walks up to perfume counter* Which cologne hides the stench of failure? Clerk: *hands me gasoline* Matches are in aisle 3.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 2, 2014
Sorry I cut off your detailed account of your weekend by throwing my stapler at your head. You were too far away for a throat punch.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 2, 2014