[firework goes off] 2-year-old: *screams in terror* Wife: She hates it. Pick her up. Me: I don’t hold communists.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 5, 2014
Today we’re driving across four states with three kids under the age of 5. My wife says it’s a good idea. I say avenge my death.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 4, 2014
Me: *eats all the snacks* Wife: You’re supposed to teach the kids to share by your example. Me: I taught them to eat fast or starve.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 4, 2014
Me: I don’t get it. Why don’t people like me? Wife: Because they’ve met you.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 4, 2014
Me: *falls asleep in chair* Boss: *coughs* Do we have a problem? Me: No, YOU have a problem. I have a nap. *goes back to sleep*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 4, 2014