4-year-old daughter: Dad, can I put nail polish on your fingers? Me: Do I look like a girl to you? 4: Me: 4: I’ll start with your pinkie
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 9, 2014
Wait, you expect me to come to your party AND not ruin it? One of us doesn’t understand how alcohol works.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 9, 2014
Me: What do you like best about me? Wife: You’re tall M: You think that’s sexy? W: No, but if there’s lightning, you’ll get struck first.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 9, 2014
Me: I’d be a great stay-at-home dad Wife: You want to spend all day with the kids? Me: No, I want to send them to daycare & get day drunk.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 10, 2014
Me: I’m going home. Barbarians sacked my city Boss: Video games aren’t real Me: Tell that to the refugees. I can still hear their screams.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 9, 2014