Unicorn Bites 8/8/14

Wife: I think I’m a very forgiving person Me: You stabbed me over paint Wife: Next time learn the difference between eggshell & off white.

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 8, 2014

[4-year-old daughter talks into Barbie phone] Tell me a joke, Ken. No, not one like Daddy tells. I want a funny one.

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 8, 2014

Me: I need to wash your blanket. 4-year-old: No! You’ll make it smell like tacos! At least her fears are reasonable.

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 8, 2014

Me: I’ll take a Guinness Him: This isn’t an Irish pub Me: Then why do you put “Mc” in front of everything? Him: Me: I’ll take McNuggets.

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 8, 2014

Priest: And then Jesus died- Me: Spoilers! I haven’t finished reading the Bible yet.

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 8, 2014