Finding work when you’re a petty criminal can be difficult! That’s why you need help from Dumbass Resume Writers. We help you by taking all your special talents and experience and writing a personalized cover letter and resume that’s sure to impress any prospective prosecuting attorney or judge. With a Dumbass Resume in your hand, you’ll get time faster than you can say, “I’m not resisting!” Check out this cover letter and resume from one of our satisfied customers!
Name: Joe E. Inmate
Attn: Person who makes the decisions
Dear that person,
I am interested in the entry-level inmate position I saw advertised on yesterdays America’s Most Wanted. I have enclosed my resume highlighting my background and feel my criminal activity would make me a welcome asset to any state correctional facility.
As a self-employed drug dealer and apprentice one-story man and after being arrested, handcuffed and thrown in jail for months on end, I have first hand experience with incarceration.
My course of study at various jails and institutes of lower education has focused on moving trash from one spot to another and serving bad food to long lines of people. My grades were non-existent but I did get thrown in the hole for spitting in the food once.
With my extensive experience in crime and work in jails I feel I can fit in pretty darn well at your institute. I look forward to hearing from you and riding the chain bus to discuss my career opportunities.
You know what I’m talking about dawg? Know what I’m sayin? Know what I’m sayin? Know what I’m sayin? Homeboy?
Joe E. Inmate
Joe E. Inmate
000 Recidivism Loop, Heydawgville
Ph. Temporarily out of order
To gain position with an organization where I really don’t have to do anything and where everything is taken care of for me and where there are people my own caliber who I can wrestle with, talk very loud all the time and expand my career opportunities.
Self employed salesman: Very “hot items” and exotic medications
Self employed relocation specialist: Mainly automobiles and household items
King County Jail: Hydroelectric Technician specializing in dishes
Pierce County Jail: Trash picker upper and sweeper
Thurston County Jail: Food Server Guy
Kitsap County Jail: Mattress Changer Guy
Education: That GED thing
Awards: Most arrested in one day. Best Food Server of the Hour, Thurston County Jail. Most likely for number of arrests to exceed IQ
Interests / Activities: Modern convict English, Extortion of milk money from elementary students.
Hobbies: Tweeking. Running thru backyards away from policemen. Making small animals fly.
Professional memberships: Affiliated with the 23rd St. Dip Dog Dingo Dung Gang and NCIC member 10 years.
Licenses: Learners Permit; Dept. of Motor Vehicles (revoked)
Security Clearances: I have sprayed foam in many high security alarm systems and I have been trusted with small amounts of dope by some people.
Community Activities: Very involved with community based theft programs.
Neighborhood Watch Program reported me to police 67 times.
Degrees: Certificate of Completion in car locks and ignition systems; Diplomas “R” Us.com
References: Made up upon request