Worlds Dumbest Criminal Resume & Cover Letter | HumorOutcasts

Worlds Dumbest Criminal Resume & Cover Letter

September 15, 2014
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Finding work when you’re a petty criminal can be difficult! That’s why you need help from Dumbass Resume Writers. We help you by taking all your special talents and experience and writing a personalized cover letter and resume that’s sure to impress any prospective prosecuting attorney or judge. With a Dumbass Resume in your hand, you’ll get time faster than you can say, “I’m not resisting!” Check out this cover letter and resume from one of our satisfied customers!

 

COVER LETTER 

Name: Joe E. Inmate

Attn: Person who makes the decisions

Dear that person,

I am interested in the entry-level inmate position I saw advertised on yesterdays America’s Most Wanted. I have enclosed my resume highlighting my background and feel my criminal activity would make me a welcome asset to any state correctional facility.

As a self-employed drug dealer and apprentice one-story man and after being arrested, handcuffed and thrown in jail for months on end, I have first hand experience with incarceration.

My course of study at various jails and institutes of lower education has focused on moving trash from one spot to another and serving bad food to long lines of people. My grades were non-existent but I did get thrown in the hole for spitting in the food once.

With my extensive experience in crime and work in jails I feel I can fit in pretty darn well at your institute. I look forward to hearing from you and riding the chain bus to discuss my career opportunities.

You know what I’m talking about dawg? Know what I’m sayin? Know what I’m sayin? Know what I’m sayin? Homeboy?

Joe E. Inmate

 

RESUME

Joe E. Inmate

000 Recidivism Loop, Heydawgville

Ph. Temporarily out of order

Email: inmate@donetime.com

Objective:

To gain position with an organization where I really don’t have to do anything and where everything is taken care of for me and where there are people my own caliber who I can wrestle with, talk very loud all the time and expand my career opportunities.

Work Experience:

Self employed salesman: Very “hot items” and exotic medications

Self employed relocation specialist: Mainly automobiles and household items

King County Jail:       Hydroelectric Technician specializing in dishes

Pierce County Jail:     Trash picker upper and sweeper

Thurston County Jail:  Food Server Guy

Kitsap County Jail:     Mattress Changer Guy

Education:  That GED thing

Awards: Most arrested in one day. Best Food Server of the Hour, Thurston County Jail. Most likely for number of arrests to exceed IQ

Interests / Activities:  Modern convict English, Extortion of milk money from elementary students.

Hobbies:  Tweeking. Running thru backyards away from policemen. Making small animals fly.

Professional memberships:  Affiliated with the 23rd St. Dip Dog Dingo Dung Gang and NCIC member 10 years.

Licenses: Learners Permit; Dept. of Motor Vehicles (revoked)

Security Clearances:  I have sprayed foam in many high security alarm systems and I have been trusted with small amounts of dope by some people.

Community Activities:  Very involved with community based theft programs.

Neighborhood Watch Program reported me to police 67 times.

Degrees: Certificate of Completion in car locks and ignition systems; Diplomas “R” Us.com

References:  Made up upon request

 

Mike Cyra

Mike Cyra is the author of two #1 bestselling medical humor eBooks: "Emergency Laughter: It Wasn’t Funny When It Happened, But it is Now!" (2011) And "Emergency Laughter: Stories of Humor Inside Ambulances and Operating Rooms." (2015) He's also a contributing author of "My Funny Major Medical," and an award winning writer in the (completely serious), Dying Matters Coalition book: "Final Chapters: Writing About The End of Life." Mike spent 20-years working in Emergency Medicine & Surgery as a Surgical Technologist, a Medic sailing Alaska’s Bering Sea, an Emergency Medical Technician, and an Instructor of Basic Life Support and Maritime Emergency Medicine. Check out Emergency Laughter: amazon.com/author/mikecyra Mike lives in Seattle, Washington

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6 Responses to Worlds Dumbest Criminal Resume & Cover Letter

  1. Bill Y Ledden
    September 16, 2014 at 12:16 pm

    Can you send some resumes my way? The people I interview aren’t as honest as Joe E.

    • September 16, 2014 at 3:59 pm

      Anything Dumbass Resume Writers can do for you Bill, no prob-lemmo! Honesty through ignorance is one of our core values.

  2. September 16, 2014 at 6:42 am

    NCIC member 10 years–ha! Maybe a bit of an inside joke, but a pretty darned funny one!

    • September 16, 2014 at 3:54 pm

      Glad you enjoyed it Mark! Knew you would pick it up.

  3. September 15, 2014 at 8:25 pm

    Mike, Great post and so happy to see you!!!!

    • September 16, 2014 at 3:54 pm

      Thank you Donna, Glad to be back.



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