Zombies Vs. Vampires – Who Is Your Dream Catch ? | HumorOutcasts

Zombies Vs. Vampires – Who Is Your Dream Catch ?

April 1, 2014
By

giant ratA family in Sweden is celebrating the death of a monster rat that terrorized their home. The 16-inch, 2.5-pound rodent broke into the house via the ventilation and heating system and set up squatter rights in the kitchen. This bold invasion was no easy feat. The rat had to eat through concrete and wood before getting to the interior vents.  While the family appreciates the rat’s tenacity, the family cat was less impressed.  Once the giant rat made its presence known, the cat became a no show abandoning its keen rodent hunting instincts for a safe haven behind the sofa.

 

Weeks into the family’s traumatic ordeal, the rat died after falling prey to an exterminator’s trap. The family has since enjoyed showing off the carcass to friends, neighbors and the media. The dad’s only regret is that his kids were so traumatized by the mammoth-sized creature that they refused to touch it for fear it would come back to life as a zombie.

 

Yep. A zombie.  Let’s make this clear. The children had no fear of contracting Bubonic Plague or flesh eating disease bacteria or anything life threatening rats might actually carry. Nope, they were afraid that the rat would become a zombie.  Can someone please tell me when zombies became such a big part of the human experience? Hey, I get the entertainment value of these lovable living-dead creatures, but if I were going to adopt a living-dead belief, I would gravitate toward vampires because they possess more attractive attributes: First, they have all their flesh even when they turn themselves into a bat or wolf.  I know it sounds prejudiced (and maybe this a zombie racist issue), but I like a living-dead man with a good amount of flesh. I am definitely not attracted to oozing sores and missing skin layers.

 

Another advantage to vampires: They possess a powerful presence. They have perfect posture and walk and fly with grace. They hypnotize people to come to them and then they get their victims to do their will. Zombies just make people run away, and as far as physical presence goes, zombies possess none. Even the best of zombies can’t walk upright. They lurch around with their arms swinging by their sides. They look like drop outs of chimpanzee acting school.

 

And finally, vampires always seem to have money and real estate. The best vampires own mortgage-free castles in Europe that come with royalty titles and servants.  What do zombies have?  A patch of grass in the woods or maybe an abandoned hut which they share with 300 other zombies. In other words, they are homeless.

 

I guess when it comes down to it, the Swedish kids were right. I wouldn’t touch the dead rat if there were a chance it could be a zombie, but if it could turn into a rich vampire with real estate—possibly beachfront, I could think about it.

Donna Cavanagh

Donna Cavanagh is founder of HumorOutcasts.com (HO) and the partner publishing company, HumorOutcasts Press which now includes the labels Shorehouse Books and Corner Office Books (HOPress-Shorehousebooks.com). As "den mother" to the more than 100 aspiring and accomplished writers, producers, comics and authors, Cavanagh's goal is to allow creativity to flow. She is a former journalist who made an unscheduled stop into humor more than 20 years ago. Her syndicated columns helped her gain a national audience when her work landed in the pages of First Magazine and USA Today. She teaches the how-to lessons of humor and publishing at conferences and workshops throughout the country including The Philadelphia Writers' Conference and Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop. The author of four humor books, Cavanagh hopes her latest book, How to Write and Share Humor: Techniques to Tickle Funny Bones and Win Fans, will encourage writers not only to embrace their humor talents but show them off as well.

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16 Responses to Zombies Vs. Vampires – Who Is Your Dream Catch ?

  1. April 5, 2014 at 12:59 am

    I think America’s been fascinated by zombies ever since our Congress became infested with them … not that there aren’t vampires in Washington, too!

  2. Kathy Minicozzi
    April 1, 2014 at 5:18 pm

    I don’t care if it’s a zombie or a vampire, if I see a giant rat I am going to scream and run, even if it owns a mansion on a beach on a private Greek island.

    LOL! Very funny!

  3. April 1, 2014 at 3:56 pm

    Two words: Damon Salvatore (played by Ian Somerhalder on the Vampire Diaries)

    • April 1, 2014 at 6:50 pm

      I got those two words Theresa! I knew you would get it!

  4. Ginny
    April 1, 2014 at 2:44 pm

    That’s just gross. Can rats become zombies??? I’m a vampire fan myself.

    • April 1, 2014 at 3:10 pm

      It is gross. I would die if I saw this and yet these people are proud as can be they had one. I knew you would like vampires too!

  5. April 1, 2014 at 2:06 pm

    Ha! Maybe zombies need more time to rise through the ranks. That sucker is BIG.

    • April 1, 2014 at 3:11 pm

      Way too big and he ate enough so it was his time to go. Believe it or not, I would not be calm if I saw it!

  6. Bill Y Ledden
    April 1, 2014 at 2:03 pm

    Now I know Sweden and have a fair few Swedish friends. If you think Irish people are chilled out, you would be right but the Swedes make us look uptight. Swedish folk are also really friendly. They’re so friendly that I reckon they would invite the giant rat to stay with them for an extended period of between 6 – 9.7 months. I f I wasn’t the ruler of 14 Eastern European countries, I think I would like to rule 14 Northern European countries and Sweden would be the first on the list. On a totally unrelated note, the Swedish Princesses are good looking ladies.

    • April 1, 2014 at 3:12 pm

      And on another unrelated note, if the press photos are true, so are the Swedish princes plus they know how to do good massages I hear.

  7. Jan
    April 1, 2014 at 1:06 pm

    Yikes! Now I know why my ancestors left Sweden. Giant vampire zombie rats! I hope they can’t swim.

    • April 1, 2014 at 1:12 pm

      I don’t know if they can swim Jan, but I heard they track down Americans of Swedish descent! 🙂

  8. April 1, 2014 at 9:58 am

    I’m going with Vampires. If I’m going to be eaten by something, I’d at least like it to smell good

    • April 1, 2014 at 1:12 pm

      I am so with you Journey! Bring on the love bites. HA HA

  9. Deb Martin-Webster
    April 1, 2014 at 9:37 am

    Swedish kids should know the zombie virus doesn’t cross species. So the vampires have this one! LOL, very funny post Donna!

    • April 1, 2014 at 1:13 pm

      Thanks Deb. I scare myself how my mind wanders off topic.



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