It has come to my attention in recent days that there are those among us who are secret fruitcake lovers. Among these is our Great Fearless Leader, Donna Cavanagh. Of course, it makes me feel good to be in such company. It’s kind of like learning that some big celebrity is a depression survivor, making me a companion in misery to someone famous. It doesn’t get any better than that.
(Depression is an awful disease, with a devastating toll in human life, creativity and relationships. I laugh at it because I am a lifelong sufferer and laughing helps me cope with it. I am laughing at my own depression and nobody else’s.)
I would like to think that the ability to enjoy fruitcake is related somehow to the opposite phenomenon of cilantro tasting like soap. My taste buds have both of these proclivities. Of course, I haven’t done a study on this, and I won’t. I can make up all the conjectures that I want, though. I’m a writer and I make things up. It’s what I do.
(People put cilantro in every damn thing these days. They’ll be putting it in candy next, I swear.)
In the spirit of equality and fairness, I propose that we start two new support groups: The Fellowship of Fruitcake Fanciers and the Society of Cilantro Spewers. You may join either one or the other organization. Those who, like me, are double sufferers, may join both programs for the price of one. It’s only fair.
Fruitcake lovers and cilantro haters have one thing in common. We are not like the majority of human beings in the western world. People look at us as if we were weird. How many times do we have to hear things such as:
“Yuck! I hate fruitcake. How can you eat it?”
“Oh, stop your griping and eat the soup. Everyone else likes it.”
The purpose of our two support groups will be to provide a safe place for fruitcake lovers and cilantro haters to express themselves in a group of like-minded, understanding people. We will also conduct seminars to educate the public on the different ways to enjoy fruitcake and the ways they should treat the poor people afflicted with the gene that makes cilantro taste like something you would wash your bathtub with.
In the meantime, I have every intention of enjoying my fruitcake this holiday season. I will gladly share if you want to join me.
Kathy Minicozzi is the author of the humor book Opera For People Who Don’t Like It. Add a little music to your life!