Librarians! Here’s A little Snark to Brighten Your Day | HumorOutcasts

Librarians! Here’s A little Snark to Brighten Your Day

December 7, 2015

Although some members of the public imagine that we librarians are paid to sit around on our tushies reading books all day, anyone who actually works at a library knows that it’s a tough, challenging job. Library work can be stressful. But laughter is a great way to relieve stress, which is why I follow @LousyLibrarian on Twitter.

Every day, @LousyLibrarian posts a snaRky, insightful and often hilarious Tweet about library life. So who is @LousyLibrarian? When I reached out, I learned that he/she wishes to remain anonymous, disclosing no information about age, gender or location of library workplace. All I know is that @LousyLibrarian a sanity-saver if you’re reeling from an encounter with a toxic patron or just feeling overwhelmed by your workload. Here are a few of my favorite Tweets:

The only things librarians love as much as cats are space heaters.

holidaybooks“Why are these shelves labeled ‘Holiday Books?’”
“Because ‘Substandard Obligatory Seasonal Cash-Grabs’ would’ve worn out the label maker.”

“My library card isn’t working.”
“I’m not an expert but I think that might be because it’s a hotel room key card.”

“I requested a book this morning. Is it there yet?”
“Depends. Did you click the ‘Defy All Laws of Time and Space’ box?”

Am promoting the new Grisham to hipsters as an artisanal melange of hand-crafted lawyer book clichés.

Patron: “Someone here was unpleasant to me five years ago.”
Me: “Wow, that’s impressive; you’re like a grudge archivist.”

Patron asked if he could change clothes in the restroom. Hoping he’s Clark Kent.

Once I weeded a Patterson in Reno just to watch it die.

“We’ve got a problem with a patron.”
“Which patron?”
“The weird guy with the weird pants.”
“You’re gonna have to be more specific.”

This patron interaction has been brought to you by the letters T, M and I.

“This computer keeps saying my email password’s wrong. Can I move to another one?”
“You might try going to a computer in another area code.”

We have an informally designated napping area in the library. It’s called the library.

It’s nice to be around people who approach books with enthusiasm and curiosity. But today I have to go to our Library Book Club instead.

“Is it too late for me to register to vote?”
“Not if you’re voting for Librarian With The Most Disappointing News.”

printers-344016__180It is apparently a rule that when you ask me how to print stuff out you must first detail the woes that have befallen your home printer.

“What do you do with magazines when you withdraw them?”
“We thank them for their sacrifice and shred them before an image of Helen Gurley Brown.”

I enjoy our weekly chats about whether Lisa Gardner has a new book out yet. The same way Sisyphus enjoyed his little hikes.

The word ‘Webinar” comes from the Greek for “You’re not going to learn anything.”

For my Halloween costume I should have dressed as a stolen Blu-ray; then I could just not be here despite what all the records say.

“I’ve read all of Nichols Spark’s books. What would you recommend?”
“Ritual suicide?”

“Do you have any recommendations for someone who just doesn’t like books?”
“How about this nice stapler?”

“I need to pay bills online and I’ve never touched anything electronic before. Can you help?”
“I’m sorry. I don’t think I work here anymore.”

I don’t know who @LousyLibrarian is, but I’m a library humor writer myself, and when I finally get my library sitcom up and running, @LousyLibrarian is going to be the first person I hire for my Writers’ Room. Until that happens, I’ll continue to enjoy his (or her) posts on Twitter.

If you liked this library piece, you will enjoy Librarians! Who’s Ready for a Game of Library Bingo? 


Roz Warren

Roz Warren, who writes for everyone from The New York Times to The Funny Times, is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: Library Humor and Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library: An Insider's Tales of Library Life, both of which you should buy immediately.

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12 Responses to Librarians! Here’s A little Snark to Brighten Your Day

  1. Kelly
    December 8, 2015 at 3:48 pm

    Those would brighten up anyone’s work day!

  2. December 8, 2015 at 10:59 am

    I’ve now officially decided to stay away from my local library. I fear that my librarian may just go postal at any moment. When it happens, I don’t want to be there. I’m buying a Kindle tomorrow.

  3. December 8, 2015 at 10:35 am

    These are great! Funny even to those of us who are not librarians.

  4. December 8, 2015 at 9:47 am

    I have two Happy Places. One is Trader Joes. The other is my local library. Both make me feel rich beyond my wildest dreams.

  5. Mister Wonderful
    December 8, 2015 at 8:22 am


  6. Jimita la Belladonnadellaminibagelle
    December 7, 2015 at 4:14 pm

    Patterson, eh? Have a pretty general idea where this librarian is. ;D Most OTJ reading I did as a librarian in that county was those fucking boring emails from the county admin office. bleh…

  7. December 7, 2015 at 12:01 pm

    So many funny lines!

  8. December 7, 2015 at 11:13 am

    These are fabulous. I’ll never look at a librarian in the same way again…long live snark!

  9. December 7, 2015 at 9:40 am

    Some people are afraid of clowns…I’m afraid of librarians! 🙂

  10. Bill Spencer
    December 7, 2015 at 9:03 am

    My favorites are “Ritual suicide” and “How about this nice stapler?”

    • December 7, 2015 at 10:36 am

      My own favorite is “I weeded a Patterson in Reno just to watch it die.” Which probably doesn’t translate to a non librarian.

      • Ruthie Nathan
        December 8, 2015 at 10:57 am

        You’re right. I know the song, but do explain. I imagine it has to do with the “weeded,” as in weeding someone out–stealing a book, perhaps. Let the world know.

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