Newly released medical records explain Donald Trump’s refusal to apologize for his recent hostile outbursts.
“We have reason to suspect Trump suffers from a rare form of Tourette’s that causes him to compulsively blurt out highly inappropriate, offensive comments,” said RNC chairman Reince Priebus.
“Does that disqualify him as a GOP Presidential candidate?” asked This Reporter.
“Not at all,” said Priebus. “He’s already skyrocketed to the top of the polls. Having a disability will only increase Trumps popularity, especially with swing voters.”
“But he has alienated so many members of his own party, calling into question McCain’s war record, slamming Jeb Bush and labeling Mexicans as rapists,” said This Reporter. “How does the RNC plan to manage Trump’s remarks going forward?”
“Did you hear what I said? The man is s-i-c-k! We can’t manage him. It’s like playing Whack-a-Mole. Hell, he can’t manage himself. Trump’s got the self-control of a two-year-old in a Bounce House,” said Priebus.
“You don’t see that as a danger to capturing the White House?”
“Not at all. Americans love Trump. He uses language they understand. Crude. Lewd. Bigoted,” said Preibus, “Once we slap a neurological disability label on him, he’ll be back in the hearts-and-minds business.”
This Reporter contacted Tourette’s expert Dr. Winston Shoop at NIH. “Most people with the disease limit their outbursts to a single, repetitive obscenity,” said Shoop. “ In Trump’s case, he appears to have the capacity to constantly come up with newer, more outrageous profanity every time. We’ve never seen anything like it.”
“Is there any medication that might control it?” asked This Reporter.
“Yes, but it has side-effects that may cause a man of Trump’s temperament to refuse to take it,” said Dr. Shoop.
Digging deeper into Trump’s past, This Reporter tracked down Trump’s third grade teacher Mrs. Applebaum at her Westchester nursing home.
“Oh, Donnie was a pistol!” said Mrs. Applebaum. “Always jumping out of his seat and hollering out answers before I even finished the question.”
“So, he showed an aptitude for learning at an early age?”
“Heavens no! The boy was dumb as shit. And so disruptive.,” confided Mrs. Applebaum. “ Little Donnie was always running up and down the aisles. Telling all the other kids he had more lunch money than they did. And, let me tell you, he had a mean streak.”
“You know how kids can be cruel? Picking on the ones who are somehow a little different?” said Mrs. Applebaum. “Well, in all my years of teaching, I’d never come across a child as verbally aggressive as Donald. He didn’t just make kids cry. He made them pee in their pants and change schools. I called in his father on numerous occasions and you know what he did? He just beamed and told me that Donald was exhibiting leadership skills. No wonder he turned out to be the King Kong of bullies.”
Trump’s first wife, Ivanka, dismissed the Tourette’s theory entirely. “Lack of control?” smirked Ivanka over a three Martini breakfast at the Plaza, “Donald is the grand master of control and deception. To him, life is one big reality show. I should know. I had a leading role until he replaced me with a Barbie doll with a plastic hoo-ha.”
“You’re saying he wants negative publicity?” said This Reporter.
“Me dear, in the World According to Trump, there is no such thing as negative publicity,” said Ivanka. “He’d moon the Pope if it got him headlines.”
“But what about the fallout? This could cost him the White House,” said This Reporter.
“If Donald really wanted the White House, he’d buy it,” said Ivanka. “He has no intention of being President.”
“Then, what’s this all about?” asked This Reporter.
Ivanka sucked meditatively on an olive. “Being a New York brand has never been enough for Donald. He wants global attention. So, first, he grabs the international media spotlight and proves that he can be President. Then, he feigns false modesty, takes himself out of the race, and hands over his votes to the candidate of his choice, thereby buying the White House without spending a dime.”
“So, what does he really want to do?”
“Strictly off the record?” said Ivanka, “Donald has always had his eye on World Heritage Sites. The Taj Mahal, the Palace of Versaille, the Great Wall of China. ”
“He wants to buy them?”
“No, my dear,” cooed Ivanka. “He wants to license them, attach his name and image to the most famous tourist destinations in the world. It will be his living legacy.”
“Suppose he changes his mind and is actually elected President?” asked This Reporter.
“Well, Americans will just have to get used to the White House having a casino, an all-you-can-eat buffet, and a 150,000-seat theater for Celine Dion.”
Stacia Friedman is the author of Tender is the Brisket and founding editor of www.DailyLobotomy.com.