On a bag of Peanut M&Ms:
The contents of this bag can be highly addictive to people with no self-control.
On a group of really hot firemen who are grocery shopping together in Stop & Shop:
Go ahead and look, but most of us are already taken.
On the last roll of toilet paper in that package of 4 (or 6 or 12), as it is about to be used up:
I hope you have some Kleenex handy.
On every cat:
Your house is her world, and her goal is world domination. You’ll love her, anyway.
On every dog:
Likes to smell bad and eats his own vomit. You’ll love him, anyway.
On a plate of pasta with marinara sauce:
This product searches out white clothing and destroys it.
People have been known to fall in love with the contents of this bag.
On a vacuum cleaner:
Trying to make this device pick up something it doesn’t feel like picking up is futile. Resign yourself to bending over and picking it up yourself.
On the entrance to your company’s headquarters:
Abandon all hope, you who enter here.*
On a package of Poise or Depends underwear:
If you need this, you might be too old for Victoria’s Secret.
On the window of a fancy women’s boutique shop:
If you’re fat or poor, we don’t want you to be seen in here. Go away.
*From Dante’s Inferno, in case you didn’t already know. That man could write.