I Get So Much Spam That My Spam Gets Spam

Desktop ComputerEver since I started having ads on my blog, my spam emails have multiplied exponentially. I’m not saying that allowing ads on the blog has directly resulted in a full spam folder in my email account, but I’d be willing to bet $2 that it has done just that. Two dollars is an adventurous bet for me. That’s what I bet that time Dad took me to the races. I don’t remember winning anything, so I guess we were both pretty pathetic at gambling. Dad also taught us how to shoot craps for pennies. Yes, I know this has nothing to do with spam emails. I got sidetracked. So shoot me.

Before I go any farther, I want to emphasize that I NEVER open spam emails. If for some reason I make a mistake and open one of them, I NEVER (N-E-V-E-R) click on any links in them. I usually delete every message in my spam folder at one time. This is the safe way to treat spam emails. Opening them and clicking on links inside them is a good way to get into a lot of problems, including identity theft.

End of lecture.

For the last couple of days, I have been making a list of the subject lines in my spam emails. These seem to fall into three categories:

1. Sex

2. Teasers

3. Money and Greed


What my would-be correspondents don’t seem to realize is that I am a female heterosexual. In the past two days, I have been offered lonely Asian girls looking for boyfriends, a new Asian match, an invitation to join the hottest Asian dating community, 100 percent authentic Asian ladies online and attractive Asian ladies looking for love now. Today I was told that there are exotic Russian women waiting for me.

I can imagine some poor, overworked pimp man or woman sitting at a computer, spewing out emails to everyone whose email address he/she has managed to find or buy, without paying attention to minor things like finding the target demographic. Alternatively, whoever it is could just be trying to lead me into temptation in order to draw information out of me, such as my bank account number. Thanks, but I’d rather not.

In the past couple of days, I have also received two offers to add inches in all the “right” places in order to “rock her world.” Again, I am a female and have no wish to add inches anywhere. I don’t have anything that needs to be made longer or thicker or harder. I am not interested in rocking some other woman’s world. I’d love to have a man rock MY world, especially if he is great looking, has a lot of money and can keep me in the style to which I would love to become accustomed. That’s a whole other story.


Sometimes a spam email will have a subject line that is designed to arouse curiosity. I call these teasers. In the last couple of days, my teasers have included an offer of a complimentary psychic reading, a surprising revelation concerning my astrological study, a home protection update, an offer of advice of what to do when life is stressful and a threat that said, “If you don’t read this now you’ll hate yourself later.”

I am happy to say that I deleted all of those missives. I will never know what would have been revealed in my psychic reading or my astrological study. I don’t need a home protection update, whatever that is. I have had a life full of stress, having been an opera singer for so many years. I laugh at stress. I have some effective ways of dealing with it, which I have learned over the years. I didn’t read any of those emails, and I do not hate myself.

So there!


I was rather disappointed that I received no Nigerian scam emails in the last couple of days, so I can’t poke fun of them here. I have often thought that it would be fun to do a scam bait thing where I would string one of those crooks along and make him do dumb things until he got wise and cut off the correspondence or until I decided it would be prudent to give up the game before someone came looking for me. There is one reason I have never tried this: I’m too much of a coward. Maybe I’ll put that on my bucket list. Or maybe not. I’ll think about it.

A couple of days ago, though, someone asked me, “How does $70K per month sound?” Well, it sounds good. I would be happy to accept any cash that someone doesn’t want. It sounds TOO good, though, as in, “You’re an idiot if you believe this.” I was also declared the winner of something, but I would have had to open the email to find out what. I was also offered MasterCard notification congratulations and a Lucky Seven Sweeps $250 giveaway.

Who said there is no generosity in this world?

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6 thoughts on “I Get So Much Spam That My Spam Gets Spam”

  1. All it takes in one click and you end up legally married to someone who doesn’t understand a word out of your mouth but enough about me. There’s a reason why it’s called click-bait.

  2. You filter the spam? If you filter out IP addresses who spam you, they have a tougher time spamming your email. Just a little advice. Funny post though! t

    1. I think that will be my next step (although that will mean that I will have a harder time poking fun of my spam once it becomes boring again).

      Thanks for the advice.

  3. So they spam and scam, then go on the lam? Damn! And for this post, I thank you ma’m.

    1. (Let’s see. What rhymes … bam, glam, scram, alakazam … oh fuhgeddaboudit!)

      I think spammers are better at hiding than going on the lam. Sometimes they don’t even have to do that. Nigerian scammers will be happy to meet up with their victims — somewhere overseas, of course!

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