If Someone Like Me Wrote a Romance Novel … | HumorOutcasts

If Someone Like Me Wrote a Romance Novel …

July 2, 2016

Sexy Italian ManI would like to say it was his eyes that caught my attention the first time I saw him. He had eyes like two blue guillotines, which could slice through my soul and leave me fallen and quivering. But no, it wasn’t that, because his back was turned.

He wasn’t wearing tight jeans. He was wearing loose cargo pants. So it wasn’t his cute backside, either.

It was his shoulder-length hair, flowing in the breeze like a field of thick blonde wheat, that caused me to stop, panting, with my heaving bosom almost bursting through my fuchsia-colored, cotton-polyester blouse. Every strand seemed to shout, “Look at me! I’m a man with great hair!” I envisioned myself lying on top of him, running my fingers through that hair, avoiding the tangles. I’ve always been a hair woman.

By a stroke of great good fortune, we were staying at the same five-star beach hotel on Capri that summer. I was in Room 205; he was in the penthouse suite, because he was a rich man who could afford it. He was a card carrying member of the Jet Set. I was a secretary who had won a free month in Italy by writing the winning slogan for Mamma Maria’s Frozen Pesto Sauce. In other words, there was no way in hell that he was going to swoop me up in his arms and carry me to paradise.

One morning, during the second week of my stay in Room 205, I was lounging by the hotel pool, wearing a flowing, cobalt blue gauze dress and a pair of gold flip-flops, when I saw him. He was wearing an open white linen shirt over a pair of Jogger Rio swim briefs, and a pair of Prada men’s silver aviator frame sunglasses. I couldn’t help staring at him. Neither could any other woman who was there, and half the men.

He ambled over to the pool, oblivious to the adulation around him. Suddenly, his eyes met mine and we were both struck with the lightning of love. He extended his hand to me. I rose, took his hand and allowed him to lead me to a secluded spot behind the arch leading back to the hotel. With one swift movement, he tore open the top of my flowing, cobalt blue gauze dress, sending buttons flying in all directions, revealing my blue Magic Fairy tummy control combination brassiere/camisole, which I had bought from a television advertisement for $19.99, with the option to get a second one free if I paid the extra shipping charge.

… It goes on like this for another 200 pages.
beautiful young woman read book
(To read more of my funny stuff, go here.)

Kathy Minicozzi

Kathy Minicozzi is an opera singer turned aspiring writer, who lives somewhere in New York City. In other words, she's weird, but harmless. She is the author of "Opera for People Who Don't Like It," in which she turns the world of opera and its performers upside down while, at the same time, making it understandable to non-opera lovers and making everyone laugh.

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17 Responses to If Someone Like Me Wrote a Romance Novel …

  1. Bill Y Ledden
    July 9, 2016 at 8:01 am

    Don Don’s, when we can read this masterpiece?

  2. July 6, 2016 at 9:26 am

    OMG. *raising hand* Same. Except that he would also see that I was about a paycheck away from getting a bikini wax and the fifth hole punch on my salon card—which means that next time we met, my upper lip would also be make-out ready. #realladyprobs

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      July 6, 2016 at 5:33 pm

      The things we have to do to snag the really hot rich guys. If they only knew how we suffer for them. But that’s a whole other novel. 😉

  3. July 4, 2016 at 7:39 am

    What the heck, I’ll write a blurb for you! It’s bound to be a best seller.

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      July 4, 2016 at 12:05 pm

      Hmmm. In that case, I have to start thinking of alternate pen names, so that I can get rich by writing bad novels without having the public know that I am writing bad novels.

      • July 5, 2016 at 1:54 am

        There are way worse ways to make a living …

        • Kathy Minicozzi
          July 6, 2016 at 5:35 pm

          The huge royalties would do a lot to eliminate my shame.

  4. Deb Martin-Webster
    July 3, 2016 at 6:30 pm

    Eh, his phone number please! 😉

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      July 4, 2016 at 2:40 am

      Oh no! I made him up first. He’s MY fictional super stud! 😉

  5. July 3, 2016 at 6:23 pm

    We will have to sign you up for a sex scene class. They have them you know! LOL

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      July 4, 2016 at 2:39 am

      Does the class include hands-on instruction? 😉

  6. July 3, 2016 at 12:10 pm

    Even I am interested in this guy lol …great piece Kathy!

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      July 3, 2016 at 4:42 pm

      Thank you, Sir.

      Perhaps I have missed my calling as a writer. I can make a lot of people laugh by churning out bad romance novels, and maybe get rich from the royalties!

  7. July 3, 2016 at 8:32 am

    Rivetting stuff. Panting for more 🙂

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      July 4, 2016 at 2:37 am

      This is what we writers live for!

  8. Bill Spencer
    July 3, 2016 at 5:29 am

    Kathy, I can tell you’re an experienced pulp writer. Clearly this isn’t your first Romeo.

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      July 3, 2016 at 4:44 pm

      You found me out! LOL!

      You know, it’s hard to write bad prose when you are actually trying to write bad prose. There is an art to writing cheap novels.

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