Kathy’s Points to Remember | HumorOutcasts

Kathy’s Points to Remember

February 13, 2016

If he keeps that up, his mouth will stay that way permanently.

If he keeps that up, his mouth will stay that way permanently.

To Sing or Not to Sing

Chances are very good that nobody except your mother wants to hear you sing karaoke.

It is best not to sing opera arias during a formal dinner party. Everyone will look at you funny, the people you came with will deny they put you up to it, and the guy across from you at the table will throw salad in your face. If you don’t want to go home alone with salad on your face, don’t sing opera arias at the table.

It is not recommended that you burst out in song when walking along Broadway or any busy street, especially if you can’t sing. You will be arrested for noise pollution. The whole thing will be videotaped by some tourist, who will post it on YouTube, where it will go viral. All of your friends will see the video, and they will laugh at you, forcing you to have to move to Samarkand. If you don’t want to live in Samarkand, don’t sing on the street.

If there is someone else in the church choir who sings 90 percent better than you do, don’t demand that the choir director give YOU that nice, fat solo that you both want to sing. If you don’t know why you should give it up, just ask one of your fellow choir members who doesn’t like you because he thinks you are an ass. You’ll get the truth, whether you want it or not.

Do not ever brag to people that you never had a lesson, especially if one of the people you are bragging to has spent many years and a lot of his and his parents’ money on trying to reach a professional level of training. Best case scenario: the braggee will respond with, “You sound like you never had a lesson.” Worst case scenario: you won’t live long.

Kathy Minicozzi

Kathy Minicozzi is an opera singer turned aspiring writer, who lives somewhere in New York City. In other words, she's weird, but harmless. She is the author of "Opera for People Who Don't Like It," in which she turns the world of opera and its performers upside down while, at the same time, making it understandable to non-opera lovers and making everyone laugh.

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11 Responses to Kathy’s Points to Remember

  1. February 13, 2016 at 6:13 pm

    Cell phone videos and social media could bring an end to any freelance singing– especially mine.

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      February 13, 2016 at 6:39 pm

      On the other hand, some of us could use the publicity! 😉

    • February 13, 2016 at 7:09 pm

      Oh, good idea!

  2. February 13, 2016 at 8:27 am

    This is bringing back a rush of memories. Where I had a drunken night at a bar on karaoke. I can’t sing. But I did. Ouch.

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      February 13, 2016 at 6:12 pm

      Don’t feel bad. You are not alone. There are thousands of other karaoke singers just like you. I think most of them know they aren’t very good, but they don’t care. Most of the bar patrons have had a couple of drinks, anyway, and after that first drink even bad singing doesn’t sound quite as bad.

  3. Bill Spencer
    February 13, 2016 at 5:50 am

    I keep a song in my heart. It’s safer that way.

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      February 13, 2016 at 6:07 pm

      The heart is a safe place to keep anything that shouldn’t be shown to anyone else. In my case, it’s poetry. Unless it’s supposed to be funny, that is.

  4. Bill Y Ledden
    February 13, 2016 at 4:04 am

    This one was even more informative than usual. I’m going to do the world a favor and not sing, evah.

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      February 13, 2016 at 6:02 pm

      I think we will all be happy as long as we can continue to get your daily doses of laughs!

  5. February 13, 2016 at 2:54 am

    I love to sing!

    But singing doesn’t love me.

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      February 13, 2016 at 6:01 pm

      I have that same relation to spicy food. Funny.

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