Life with Harmony the Cat II | HumorOutcasts

Life with Harmony the Cat II

January 24, 2016

After much consideration and thought, I have come to the conclusion that it would be beneficial to all concerned parties for me to set up rules of behavior. I have posted the following on the refrigerator and next to all the windows, and there is no excuse for non-compliance.

The Reason for the Rules

The Reason for the Rules

Rule No. 1

The Cat will not follow the Human into the bathroom and rub herself against the Human’s legs while the Human is “taking care of things.” Above all, the Cat will not weave back and forth in front of the Human while said Human is trying to walk to the bathroom, especially if said Human “really has to go.” If the Cat stops while weaving back and forth in order to stretch her front legs, the Human will not be held responsible for pain caused from said Human accidentally stepping on said Cat.

Rule No. 2

The Cat may sleep on the computer chair ONLY when the Human doesn’t need it. The Cat will vacate said computer chair when the Human orders her to do so. If the Cat does not vacate the chair in a timely manner (i.e. within two seconds), the Human has a right to tip the chair and dump the Cat out of it.

The Cat is permitted to sleep on the daybed or on the nice, comfortable armchair. However, the Cat must vacate the daybed when the Human wants to lie down. There are no exceptions. If the Cat shows reluctance to get up and move, the Human may pick up the blankets and shake them until the Cat goes and finds another place to park herself. Human will only do shopping for cat, if they can find what is needed at or somewhere similar.

Rule No. 3

The Human is the boss because the Human is bigger than the Cat.

Rule No. 4

The Cat will drink from her water bowl in the kitchen and not insist on drinking only from dripping faucets.

Rule No. 5

The Cat will not jump onto the computer desk from on top of the filing cabinets without first warning the Human. Above all, the Cat will not stand in front of the computer, blocking the Human’s view of the screen, until the Cat is good and ready to jump down onto the floor.

Rule No. 6

If the Cat is doing something really cute, said Cat will continue the activity until the Human has time to get her cell phone out and snap her picture or take a video. The Cat will not discontinue looking cute just as the Human is ready to press the button.

Rule No. 7

The Cat will not jump up onto the kitchen counter when the Human is making coffee, get in the way, then sit and stare at the Human. The Human does not want cat hair, dirty little paws and a cat butt on the counter or the stove. The Cat does not know how to make coffee, and her attempts to help are not appreciated.

Cat, you don't drink coffee, so GET DOWN!

Cat, you don’t drink coffee, so GET DOWN!

Rule No. 8

The Cat is not permitted to pick things out of the trash and bat them around the living room. The Human would also appreciate it if the Cat would not demand that she (the Human) throw pieces of wadded-up toilet paper for her (the Cat) to play with.

Rule No. 9

The Human often pays money to buy toys for the Cat, and the Cat must play with them. (See Rule No. 8, above.)

Rule No. 10

The Cat will always greet the Human at the door when she (the Human) comes home from work. In addition, the Cat will never give the Human a “love bite” to make her (the Human) stop petting the Cat. In exchange, the Human promises to stop deliberately annoying the Cat (just because it’s fun) while the Cat is trying to sleep, look out the window or just chill out.

Kathy Minicozzi

Kathy Minicozzi is an opera singer turned aspiring writer, who lives somewhere in New York City. In other words, she's weird, but harmless. She is the author of "Opera for People Who Don't Like It," in which she turns the world of opera and its performers upside down while, at the same time, making it understandable to non-opera lovers and making everyone laugh.

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8 Responses to Life with Harmony the Cat II

  1. January 28, 2016 at 8:52 am

    I tried this once…the cat won! Great idea for your next book,though!

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      January 28, 2016 at 10:02 am

      The Cat always wins. That’s Rule No. 11.

  2. Bill Y Ledden
    January 26, 2016 at 2:24 pm

    These rules are Sheldon Cooperesque in nature.

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      January 27, 2016 at 1:27 am

      I wish I could say that that means I’m as smart as Sheldon Cooper, but, unfortunately, it doesn’t.

  3. Bill Spencer
    January 25, 2016 at 6:04 am

    I LOVE this, Kathy. Very, very funny. You seem well on your way to an impressive concatenation of Harmony posts.

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      January 25, 2016 at 11:39 am

      Maybe this will become another book! ?

  4. January 25, 2016 at 5:32 am

    My experience is that cats just don’t care about rules–they’re furry rebels. But for your sake, I hope I’m wrong!

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      January 25, 2016 at 11:42 am

      I know you are right, but hope springs eternal.

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