The War on Christmas:  A Film by Ken Burns | HumorOutcasts

The War on Christmas:  A Film by Ken Burns

December 19, 2016

It has now been over six and one-half years  since the War began, and still no end in sight.

It is a brutal war.  One that pits brother against brother, elf against gnome,  reindeer
against reindeer, and worst of all, Santa Claus vs. the Martians.   It is that national cataclysm known as:

[Opening Music]

In the latter part of the Twentieth Century, rampant secularism began gaining strength in America. Christmas Parties became Holiday Parties, Nativity Scenes morphed into Petting Zoos, and Department Store Santas began giving way to Department Store Richard Dawkins.  Gradually the secularists were joined by disgruntled off-key carolers, reindeer haters, and chubby chasers rejected by Santa.

The Union, as it was called, demanded that there be just seven days of Christmas with only one Calling Bird, two French Hens, and no Lords-a-Leaping whatsoever. Frantic negotiations followed but failed over the verifiability of Maids-a-Milking.

On February 14, 2010, an overtired and jittery elf assigned to protect a shipment of lumps of coal for Santa’s Naughty List threw a holiday wrapped Hershey’s Kiss at a Union soldier.  The soldier was badly chocolated.  The first shot of the war had been fired.

In the beginning the Union had the best of the fighting.  In the Battle of Candy Cane Crossing, the Union’s General Scrooge smashed through a line of Christmas Trees commanded by General Giggly Pointy Ears, resulting in the loss of over 47 candy canes, 28 holly wreaths, and six gingerbread men.

The fighting was fierce, as Union Private Lance Mesnick of Walden Massachusetts recorded that day in his journal:

“Everywhere you looked there were chestnuts roasting on an open fire! Suddenly I felt a sharp pain and whirling around I caught Jack Frost nipping at my nose! That’s the last nose he’ll ever nip …”

Journal of Lance Mesnick, April 15, 2010

By day’s end, not a creature was stirring — not even a mouse — at Candy Cane Crossing.
Christmas fought valiantly back.  A force of seasoned elves under the flamboyant General Stonewall Sniggle de Goop surprised Union troops in a dense fog at Gumdrop Hill. How did Christmas forces maneuver through the fog? Private Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer later wrote to his wife:

“Oh, Sarah!  My heart is full and my hindquarters tingling!  This one very foggy eve Santa came to say ‘Rudolf with your nose so bright, won’t you guide our carnage tonight?’  Yours forever, Rudolph.”

 Letter of Rudolf the Red-Nose Reindeer to Sarah Red-Nose Reindeer 
August 14, 2010

Just eleven days after the Battle of Gumdrop Hill, Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer contracted hoof and mouth disease and Santa shot him.


The war was to continue on for six long years without decisive victory.  Mistakes were made by both sides, such as Union General Grinch’s decision to invade the North Pole.  Implementing a scorched ice policy, Christmas forces decimated the Union troops which were wholly ill-equipped for the frigid temperatures and constant painful Nutcracker night raids.

In the Battle at Mistletoe Pass, Christmas retaliated by firing a deadly barrage of fruitcakes at Union forces, but the Union managed to counter them with an Anti-Fruitcake Shield.  All of us should have such a device.

Will there ever be an end with honor to this fight?  Will a wise and just leader emerge as did once before during an earlier great American struggle?

Will we ever get presents again?

Oh, Sarah, who the hell knows? 

[Closing Music]

Freedom Fighter or Terrorist, You Decide

Perry Block

I am one bummed-out Baby Boomer desperately attempting to turn back the clock through parody, satire, and anything else you want. In my time I have been a puppet, a pirate, a pauper, and a king. I would have also been a pawn but I didn’t have the SATs for it, and my career as a poet was cut short when I recited “The Man from Nantucket” at a White House Dinner. I look forward to developing a relationship with the readers of Humor Outcasts, unhealthy as it probably will be.

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4 Responses to The War on Christmas:  A Film by Ken Burns

  1. December 20, 2016 at 9:51 am

    oh so funny Perry!

    • December 20, 2016 at 2:13 pm

      It’s Ken Burns’ artistry, not me.

  2. Bill Spencer
    December 20, 2016 at 6:25 am

    “Painful Nutcracker night raids” is VERY funny.

    Happy Holidays, Perry!

    • December 20, 2016 at 2:14 pm

      Yes, but not so funny to live through them.

      Happy Holidays to you too, Bill!

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