Good morning. This is Isolde Klebb, coming to you from Station KRAP in Wormhole, Washington. This morning, in lieu of our usual news, recipes, household hints and off-key singing by Jerry Palmer the Used Car King, who thinks he’s Pavarotti, we have the privilege of having as our guest Dr. Humbert Smartoff, Professor of Alternative Medicine at Wormhole University. Good morning, Professor.
I understand that you have developed an injection that causes the recipient to experience a temporary spike in intelligence, wisdom and empathy, along with some rejuvenation. Please tell us about it.
Yes. The recent election results caused many of us in the Alternative Medicine community some concern that a person of low intellectual development and stunted emotional growth could suddenly become the leader of the free world. It occurred to us that we should work on a solution that would turn him into a genius and a saint, at least long enough to make a speech or attend a meeting. This way, even if we are being led by a moron, it won’t show and the world won’t laugh so hard at us. The rejuvenation idea was thrown in to make the injection attractive.
That way the man is taking the shot to regain some youth, not to become smart and human.
So tell us what happened when you offered your special cure to the White House?
The President got angry and threw me out of the Oval Office saying something about how I was fired. The Vice President came after me and told me to stop meddling. I got the feeling he was hoping the President would crash and burn so that he could step in and take over the job, but I can’t say that for sure. A few Republicans in Congress heard what happened and came to see me in my hotel room. They liked my idea and offered to help with it. They were embarrassed by the President and hoped they could save some dignity if he at least appeared intelligent and human. I think some of them were afraid of being voted out of office if things went on the way they were going. A few Democrats came to see me, too. They wondered if I could use the injection on THEM instead of the President.
So you never got to give the injection to the President?
Yes and no. With the help of my new friends in Congress I got into the Oval Office once more. They were going to distract the President while I gave him the injection in his neck, just in time for a meeting he was going to have with the heads of several small countries who hate us. You see, with this injection you must put it as close to the brain as possible, so that the medicine will hit the right neurons. Otherwise, it won’t work.
Well, the President got excited about something one of the other men said and suddenly stood up, bent over the desk and pointed at the man. So instead of getting the injection in the neck he got it in his right buttock. Any intelligence that would have gone to his brain went to his butt instead. The only benefit he received from the injection was a six-month rejuvenation from the waist to his knees. That wasn’t even enough to cancel a Viagra prescription.
This time he punched me in the nose and called Security. I was in jail for five days. After that, he let me go and gave me a Presidential Pardon. Someone convinced him he would look silly if the story got out that he had taken an intelligence shot in his butt. He told me to keep quiet, but he didn’t make me sign anything, so here I am.
Well, we are glad to have you here with us, Professor Smartoff. Thank you for sharing your fascinating story.
You’re welcome. Any time.