Facebook Marketplace is wonderful to see the wreck of humanity up close and personal. While it’s fun to watch people trying to sell their old Daisy Duke denim shorts and slightly used hot roller sets, I can’t help but imagine how others might use it. The following is how I see the perfect Facebook Marketplace ad:
April 27, 2018
Dear Lilly Bottom Facebook Marketplace Group,
How wonderful to have a Facebook group dedicated to the good people of Lilly Bottom! I remember when the only way to sell my used items was to call up the Community Swap & Sell Hour on the local AM radio station, WLBM-1560. Does this post also go on the radio? I hope so. It was so useful when that no-good-womanizing-and-sometimes-manizing-lying-stack-of-cardinal-dung husband of mine took off for parts still unknown with that homely, pot-bellied bartender from the Broke Spoke Saloon over on Jenkins Street. Someone said they saw the two down at a fishing tournament in Burgoo, Alabama, but I can’t confirm it. All I know is if it was them, then they must have borrowed some fishing rods because I traded both of his, along with his tackle box and his Make Your Own Bait Kit to a nice young man from over on Bull Creek for a bushel of white runner beans and three Home-Sweet-Home cross-stitch patterns.
I write today about something very near and dear to my heart. I am hoping some kind soul will be able to help me. I am in search of a set of false teeth. Not just any false teeth, but my very own. They were lost two days ago on the corner of Main Street and Dixie Highway, but I am unsure of their whereabouts at this point.
You see, I had just finished my weekly shopping at the Piggly Wiggly and was heading to the Bee Hive Salon to have my hair set. I was running late for my appointment because I had run into Dora Mae Collins while searching for a pork chop that looked halfway decent (honestly, Piggly Wiggly, finding fresh pork should not be that difficult). She was terribly upset because her daughter had phoned earlier that morning and asked if she could drop off her twins, Tommy and Timmy, for a week-long visit while she and her, “boyfriend of the week,” went down to Biloxi for a work conference. Dora Mae said she knew good and well that no work conference ever lasted that long in Biloxi, and the only reason to stay there that long was to cavort, and the only way her daughter could cavort is if she kept those boys, who would eat her out of house and home, for her.
Since I didn’t have time to run through the Arby’s drive-thru for a roast beef sandwich like I normally do after finishing at the Piggly Wiggly, I grabbed an apple from my grocery sack to tide me over until after my hair was set. While I was sitting at the intersection waiting my turn, I started eating the apple. I had just gotten ahold of a good bite, when a bumble bee the size of my fist started swarming around my head. He was an ornery thing, too. Ever since I saw that special on TLC about people who swelled up like a hot air balloon when stung by bees, I have been terrified of them. I frantically waved my hands trying to swat it away. They say sometimes when people face great fear, they exhibit superhuman strength, and that must have been what happened to me because when I jerked my left hand—the one holding the apple—it pulled so hard that my entire set of dentures pulled out of my mouth right in mid-bite. Either that, or I had forgotten to use my Polident that morning. Regardless, that bumblebee then landed on a molar, and before I could think, I flung the whole thing out my car window. It bounced off the truck sitting in the lane beside me and rolled on down the street. The light then turned green, so I had no choice but to drive on through the intersection.
By the time I got my car turned around and drove back to the scene, the apple with my teeth lodged in it was gone. I don’t know if perhaps a bird or a wayward dog came along and took it or if a Good Samaritan saw what happened, stopped, and gathered up my teeth in hopes of returning them to me. Either way, I have been toothless for two days now, and with all the garden corn coming into season in the next few weeks I am beginning to panic, as anyone who knows me knows corn on the cob is my favorite food.
So friends, if anyone has come across a half-eaten Red Delicious apple with a full set of Dr. Rondell’s Premium White Enamel dentures hanging in it, I would appreciate an email or phone call. You can keep the apple, I just need the teeth. Thank you in advance.
Bertha Sue McIntyre
UPDATE ON MY PREVIOUS POST:
Thank you so much for dropping off the set of dentures you recently found. I am sorry I wasn’t home, but do appreciate so much you leaving them on my doorstep! Unfortunately, those are not my missing teeth. I could tell immediately they were not a set of Dr. Rondell’s Premium White Enamel by their ecru color, but I tried them on anyway. They didn’t come close to fitting. In fact, I think these may be a set of men’s dentures.
It was so thoughtful of you to drop them by, though.
On that note, I am still looking for my set and I also have a set of men’s dentures I am willing to sell or trade. Best offer.
Bertha Sue McIntyre
What would be your fantasy Facebook Marketplace ad?