Getting All Christmassy and Stuff: Indoor Christmas Decorations | HumorOutcasts

Getting All Christmassy and Stuff: Indoor Christmas Decorations

December 15, 2018
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It is now the middle of December. Those of us who celebrate Christmas and are determined not to be grinches are well into the various rites of the season.

Putting Up the Smaller Indoor Christmas Decorations

You would think this wouldn’t be a significant operation. Think again.

Getting the decorations down from the top drawer of the closet all by yourself after you remember which closet you put them in. Do ALL those boxes and bags contain Christmas decorations or do some of them have other things, such as that ugly statue Aunt Myrtle gave you as a wedding present 15 years ago? This is important. Aunt Myrtle might come for a visit, and you have to put that freaking statue on display when she’s here. You don’t dare take a chance on breaking it like you broke all the blue ornaments last year when you were trying to get them down from that top shelf. You dropped them and had to spend 20 minutes sweeping up little blue glass shards before one of the kids stepped in them, or the cat got hold of one, and you had to take the kid to the hospital or the cat to the vet.*

You decide that the huge bag slightly out of reach holds the big seated Santa and the big seated Mrs. Santa that you always put in the living room window. With great reluctance, you set up the stepladder and, with infinite care, get onto the bottom step while holding that whatchamacallit grabbing stick that you bought because of a TV commercial. You use the grabber to bring the huge bag to the edge of the shelf. You then climb up a couple more steps on the little ladder and grasp it. You hit yourself on the head with it as you bring it down, hard enough to make you say, “Ow!” but not hard enough to rearrange any brain cells.

You repeat the above procedure, step by step until you have taken everything that could possibly be Christmas decorations down from the shelf.

Figuring out where to put everything once you get it all down from the top shelf in the closet. This part is easy unless you have rearranged and/or redecorated the house since last December. In that case, you might have to put some of the decorations in places to which they are not accustomed.

And, of course, there is the problem of the Nativity set. Last year, the cat jumped up onto the bookshelf where you had placed it. The result is that you now only have two Wise Men. The Baby Jesus will have to do without the gold this year, but you will make sure to put the creche in a cat-proof location this time, so at least the bearers of frankincense and myrrh will be safe.

The angel that used to hover over the stable broke off three years ago, and all that is left is part of a banner that now says, “Glory to God in the Highes.” The final “t” broke off along with the angel. Oh well, it’s the thought that counts.

Big Seated Santa and Big Seated Mrs. Santa go onto the living room window sill, as always, along with the fake gingerbread house and two candles stuck in wine bottles. Your heart is in the right place, but nobody ever said you had a talent for decorating.

The green and red paper bells looked great five years ago, but you decide it’s time they went into the recycling bins to await their reincarnation as something more useful. The sparkly yellow garland has one more year of life in it, so you climb the stepladder again and put it around the top of the door frame.

You keep going until your house (or at least your living room) is full of holiday cheer. Then you go into the kitchen and read the instructions on the box of Pillsbury ready-to-bake cutout holiday cookies.

I’ll leave this story here.

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*Have you ever tried to put a cat in a carrier for a trip to the vet? Can we say shredded arms and splattered blood?

Kathy Minicozzi

Kathy Minicozzi is an opera singer turned aspiring writer, who lives somewhere in New York City. In other words, she's weird, but harmless. She is the author of "Opera for People Who Don't Like It," in which she turns the world of opera and its performers upside down while, at the same time, making it understandable to non-opera lovers and making everyone laugh.

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8 Responses to Getting All Christmassy and Stuff: Indoor Christmas Decorations

  1. Jim Nolan
    December 16, 2018 at 7:20 am

    Great piece! Just yesterday I was taking down our decorations from the compartment over the hall closet, balancing dangerously on a step ladder. Maybe next year I’ll find a better place for them.

    • December 16, 2018 at 6:24 pm

      That sounds like a plan! 😀

  2. Bill Y "The Legendary Legend" Ledden
    December 16, 2018 at 7:17 am

    Every time Aunt Myrtle attempted to visit, I would move as in live somewhere else. I know it’s a bit extreme but you get top see a lot of new places this way.

    • December 16, 2018 at 6:22 pm

      Yes, and you can re-gift that ugly statue to someone you don’t like! 😀

  3. December 16, 2018 at 1:48 am

    My wife and I love Christmas and decorations, but we’re not putting any up this year. We just don’t have the energy.

    • December 16, 2018 at 6:21 pm

      I didn’t get around to putting up any decorations last year and I regretted it. This year I really NEED Christmas, so I made sure to take them down and put them out. I am happier for it.

      Of course, if I had to put up OUTDOOR decorations and lights, I would pass on that!

  4. Joan
    December 15, 2018 at 6:01 pm

    Everyone can relate to this article. I could picture your every dangerous move. No place for a grinchhere – that’s nice!

    • December 16, 2018 at 12:13 am

      This is a work of fiction, but I speak from experience, at least in part. LOL!



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