With the midterms behind him, Donald Trump feels that he has mastered the Presidency and is prepared to take the next logical step and declare himself Pope. “Air Force One is getting to be pretty old hat so I’d really like to try the Pope-Mobile,” enthused the Donald in an exclusive interview on Fox News. “I also understand that the Pope gets to wear really comfortable slippers which I could use because I am on my feet a lot at rallies, although I realize it might be a little hard to kick Mitch McConnell or Nancy Pelosi when they get out of line. And it wouldn’t hurt my relationship with Congress, the Dems, world leaders or even Melania to be officially recognized as infallible–as everyone who knows me or follows my tweets already knows. Everyone, that is, except Michael Avenatti who as Pope I will turn into a pillar of salt the next time he appears on MSNBC.”
The President is also reportedly intrigued by the real estate possibilities offered by the Vatican City. That it is a walled city only enhances its appeal. As our President noted to Ivanka when reviewing the décor, “There is already a painting of someone I’m sure is meant to be me on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, with God reaching out for an autograph.”
Some may object that Trump does not appear to be a practicing Catholic or member or any religion or even, for that matter, to have a sincere belief in any Being Higher than himself. “That shouldn’t make a bit of difference,” scoffs Kelly Anne Conway. “Consider his base of evangelical followers. They don’t care a whit what Trump actually believes or how he behaves as long as he lowers their taxes and they think he is bashing someone other than them.” As far as Trump himself views it, the job seems right up his alley, involving two principal facets at which he already excels: giving a thumbs up to large, pre-assembled crowds who will believe anything he says; and ignoring or covering up long standing sex and financial scandals. “With the masses of people who show up at St. Peter’s Square, poor old Sarah Huckabee Sanders won’t even have to inflate the estimates of crowd size more than two or three times,” concludes Conway with a toss of her head.
Pope Donald the Wisest, Boldest and Best, as he intends to call himself, can henceforth not only refer to revelations he does not like as “Fake News” but also as “Heresy;” he may not only have people fired in the metaphorical sense but actually burnt at the stake—and, for good measure, excommunicated and damned for eternity as well. In other words, Alec Baldwin’s only late night cameos are literally going to be on the cable channel from Hell. No longer, when the Donald attacks non-voting, non-white youth and other powerless victims of flood, famine, and other disasters, can it just be brushed aside as demagoguery. Now it’s a papal Bull and Trump, tweeting ex cathedra, can declare it a holy Crusade. And Pope Donald can even take credit for the floods and famines.
Trump and his advisors brush aside qualms about the role of the college of cardinals in choosing and ordaining a new Pontiff. “Remember,” says Trump, “ I did OK in the last electoral college. And now that he is out of a job I’m retaining Kris Kobach as well as officials from Georgia and North Carolina to make sure only the right kinds of Cardinals vote. Those are the ones who drink too many six packs of Budweiser watching baseball games in St. Louis, not those who advocate Pacem in Terra, forgive their enemies or are into liberation theology. There won’t be much room for liberation, forgiveness, theology or coherent doctrine of any kind in my Papacy. And as for peace on earth, that may be good for the Sisters of Mary, but when was the last time they won the Super Bowl?”
“I’m really into the idea of heaven,” confided the president to John Kelly between staff fist fights outside the Oval Office. “From now on it’s going to be a place where people who suck up to me, nod like bobble heads whenever I speak and tithe to the Trump Organization will have a place where they can have and do pretty much anything they want and no one else can ever get in. The Church may take credit for heaven but It really just copied my idea of the Trump resort on a longer term time frame. If those outside have to endure never-ending torment, that’s their problem. If they face total annilhation and eternal non-existence, that’s OK too. That’s how pretty much how my followers and I do our best to treat them while they are alive.”