London – According to Royal Commentator, Sir Harvey Bristol Cream, Queen Elizabeth II escaped the country to Balmoral Castle, Scotland after her July 13 meeting with Donald Trump.
Cream stated the Queen ordered a fumigation of Windsor Castle and the entire U.K.
“The queen issued a Royal Proclamation banning Donald Trump from entering the country including all airspace,” he said.
Brits were shocked at the lack of etiquette and decorum Trump exhibited during his scheduled tea with the Queen Mum.
He arrived 12 minutes late leaving the 92-year-old queen sweltering in her royal orthopedics. Upon arrival Trump told the Queen she looked great for her age – “she was at least a solid 5.”
During the playing of the U.S. National Anthem, the queen took a knee and pulled on a pink pussy tiara.
The Queen met Trump without her usual escorts. Prince Philip was finishing the last Harry Potter novel, Prince Charles was having surgery on a hairy mole nicknamed Camilla 2, and Prince William said he was judging a badminton tournament at Downton Abbey.
Lady Gwendolyn Snottingham, Society Columnist for The Guardian, reported she received leaked information about the royal fiasco.
Trump told the Queen he’d been watching “The Crown” on Netflix.
“You were really a looker back in the day,” Trump said. “It was great you let them film all that stuff.”
Trump then informed her Majesty if she was 30 years younger she would be giving Melania a run for her money. The queen was aghast. She clutched her pearls like any self-respecting queen would and told The Donald, “beauty fades, dumb is forever.”
After the inspection of the Royal Guards the queen whispered to Col. Sir Andrew Liverspot that Trump was just like Mr. Nibbley Bits, a Cleveland Bay Horse from the Royal Mews.
“Every time old Nibbley pulls the royal carriage, I can never see past his large ass– just like this swarmy Trump person. I thought there was a sudden eclipse when Trump turned his back. The sun was blocked from the sky. He clearly is clueless concerning royal protocol and how to walk in adult diapers.”
During the brief tea in Windsor Castle, Trump slurped his Earl Grey and declined the cucumber sandwiches telling the Queen they made him gassy.
The Queen said Trump was as “mad as a bag of ferrets” when he asked her if she had Princess Diana’s clothes in storage, because he wanted a gown for his daughter Ivanka.
“You know Diana was a real beauty just like my best daughter Ivanka. Two tasty crumpets, hey?” Trump said.
Queen Elizabeth spit her tea across a silk tapestry settee and promptly called for an escort to remove Trump and the First Lady.
As he exited Trump said, “You know I like the Brits. Mary Poppins, Cinderella, Lady Godiva, and all the Bond Girls, you have a history of some beauties.”
“Real class and style your people. Flying over London, I saw a huge Trump Welcome Party. They even painted the Goodyear Blimp to look like me. Big celebration. But I have to tell you … Mar-a-Lago is so much bigger than this place and there’s no golf course or gold toilets here. Call me, we’ll talk real estate and decorating.”
The Queen screamed “off with his head” as Trump left Windsor.
Later while boarding Brexit One, the Queen was asked if she enjoyed her visit with the U.S. President. She declined to answer and ascended the stairs wearing a slicker with a message on the back which read: “I Really Don’t Care. I’m the Queen!”