I, Donald J. Trump, the most if not the only important Person of the People of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union with Fox News, establish a Justice system that will provide for my defense, and secure the blessings of Liberty in perpetuity for me, the Trump organization and any lobbyist, domestic or foreign, booking rooms at Mar-A-Lago, hereby ordain and establish by Executive Order that the Constitution of the United States, containing many, many words and drafted a really long time ago by radical leftists, shall be amended as follows:
Article I (legislative Power) is repealed. As long as I am in office, the document will begin with the words “The executive Power shall be vested in the President” from Article II in the largest possible block letters. All references to the Congress, the Senate and advice and consent shall be deleted. The parts about impeachment shall exclude the President. In other words, no more witch hunts except when actual witches, such as Nancy Pelosi and Kamala Harris, are involved.
Article III (judicial Power) and the rest of the original document shall also be deleted. What use is having any other parts of a government when I am in charge?
As to the Bill of Rights and other amendments:
The words “the rights of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed” in Amendment II shall be amended to add “the right to infect others with deadly disease by not wearing face masks or taking other sensible precautions.” The Amendment shall then be imprinted on the uniforms of all sports teams in America in place of any other mottos, slogans or political statements.
The protections in Amendments III to VIII against illegal search and seizure, cruel and unusual punishment, self-incrimination, etc., shall hereafter be limited to the Presidents of the United States and Russia, certain Saudi Arabian Princes, Benjamin Netanyahu and Rudolph T. Giuliani.
Amendments IX and XX referring to possible retained rights or powers of the people or the States shall be stricken. And I see that Mitch McConnell has already crossed most of them out.
The Amendments that we fought a Civil War over to guarantee due process of law (XIII to XV) and other Amendments guaranteeing voting rights (XIX, XXIV and XVI) shall be not only stricken but shredded. Likewise the Amendments (XXII and XXV) referring to Presidential term limits and removal from office on the ground that these concepts are as insulting and disrespectful as the questions of an NPR reporter.
Amendment XVI (the income tax amendment) shall be retained but shall exempt Donald J. Trump, anyone related to Donald J. Trump (except his niece, Mary, who just wrote a disgusting book), or any Trump property. Those taxes shall instead be paid in double the amounts otherwise applicable by the aforesaid niece Mary, John Bolton and Stormy Daniels.
The other Amendments beginning with XI shall be deleted because hardly anyone ever reads them and all those Roman numerals are confusing. They also remind me of the leader of China.
Two new amendments will be added (I have lost track of what their numbers would be but that’s what Mike Pence is for)– to wit:
Climate change, COVID-19, science in general, and Dr. Fauci in particular, are hereby ordered, adjudged and decreed to be hoaxes. So is the Post Office.
No monuments may hereafter be torn down other than the Liberty Bell, the Statue of Liberty (to be replaced by a wall), and Grant’s Tomb (I always wanted to find out who is buried there and who knows? It could be Hilary’s server.)
P.S. I forgot, as usual, about the First Amendment. But not to worry. You will hardly recognize it once William Barr and Brett Kavanaugh get through with it.