A visibly irritated Emmanuel Macron, President of France, warned yesterday that U. S. visitors to Paris can expect unprecedented levels of disdain and aloofness from the city’s residents in the coming months.
“You think we treat Syrian refugees like crap? Wait until you order a glass of Chardonnay at a corner bistro on the Avenue des Champs-Élysées next week,” says Macron. “Sniff carefully. There’s a good chance that you will detect more than a hint of horse pee — or, as we like to call it, ‘urine de cheval’.”
This message is reinforced by Henri LeSewer, Chairman of the French Ministry of Discourtesy: “Trust me. Elderly Parisians will be sharply poking American tourists with baguettes on the sidewalks of every street in the city.”
“And another thing,” asserts Macron. “We want the Statue of Liberty back. We gave Americans this majestic gift in 1886, but you have proved yourselves to no longer be worthy of her message. Just make sure you return her to us in mint condition, you lying sons of bitches.
“Don’t worry, Australia. We haven’t forgotten about you. You kangaroo humpers believe our submarines are outdated? Let’s see what you think after one of those babies blows the Sydney Opera House to Kingdom Come!”