At last, our Congress, which has proven itself incapable of dealing with real threats like climate change, pestilence, gun violence and assaults on democracy and become instead a forum for many to advance untruths and bizarre conspiracy theories, has found a project worthy of itself: hearings on UFO sightings. What better way to avoid real world threats from within and without our borders and indulge in speculation about creatures from outer space where it has no jurisdiction and no practical ability to accomplish anything? “It will be almost as much fun as talking about Qanoon or white replacement theory,” in the words of Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene.
“For all we know, caravans of extraterrestrials could be here any day, encouraged by our immigration policies,” proclaimed Senator Ted Cruz. “Dreamers and people with green cards are bad enough, but people with green skin, who needs them?”
“Yes,” echoed Congresswoman Elise Stefanik from upstate New York. “There’s no place under our Constitution for creatures who don’t look like the white men who founded it except for ambitious white women like me, of course. This country was founded on the right to bear arms, and it is not clear that those creatures even have arms.” Asked why intelligent life forms from other worlds, if there are such things, would choose to locate in the remote, wooded areas of her district, or what threat they could possibly pose there, the Congresswoman was quick to note, “You could say the same thing about ticks. But here they are, infesting the area with Lyme disease because they think it is getting warmer even though it isn’t or if it is it’s all the Democrats’ fault. Who knows what future inhabitants that don’t look or talk like us might be up to or how they would vote or whether DEET would even work against them”
Congressman Kevin McCarthy, minority leader in the House, has lobbied his colleagues hard, arguing that “Slime balls from space might be wearing masks all the time and we wouldn’t even know it. They are probably pointy-headed like liberals or may even have big ears like Obama. They might be super-intelligent and want to put new information in text books. We don’t want any more of their kind.”
Senator Joe Manchin announced that he would oppose absentee voting for extraterrestrials even though no one has proposed it. “They don’t contribute to my PAC and they seem able to travel millions of light years without using coal or gas. That’s not what I or the people in West Virginia who elect me want.”
Senator Mitch McConnell vowed to defend America by deploying his favorite weapon, the filibuster. “That’s how we defeat all the enemies of the real people of America, the red state conservatives,” concluded the minority leader. Strangely, the Democrats did not seem to disagree with his strategy. As Senator Chuck Schumer expressed it, “Having to listen to Senator McConnell speak for any extended period of time would cause any sentient being to flee.” “Let’s just hope they don’t bring earplugs as I always do when I may have to listen to anyone but me speak,” warned Senator Bernie Sanders. Senator Rand Paul, arriving late, added that he would go even farther and suggested forgetting about NATO, Europe and even the besieged Ukrainians and instead focusing military resources on extermination of aliens.
The impeached former President quickly picked up on this theme and plans to capitalize on it in a campaign to recapture the White House. “My wall is big and beautiful but it won’t be enough for these new threats from the sky, especially with Sleepy Joe Biden always wondering whether he should put his hand in the dike or pull it out, so to speak. So, what if we don’t know who or where the aliens are? We can simply employ the big, beautiful but otherwise useless Space Force I created to blast everything outside of earth to smithereens. People with love it. We can add a big “S” to all the MAGA hats and t-shirts we printed, sell them for even more money and say that they are making America safer as well as greater than ever. “
Melania Trump observed that E.T. and other depictions of extraterrestrials somewhat resemble fetuses, possibly making their extermination of concern to right to lifers. But Politico reports that the Supreme Court is already working on a footnote to its forthcoming Dobbs opinion noting that overruling Roe v. Wade has nothing to do with killing life forms outside the womb where tools like lax gun laws and lack of health care already exist and that nothing in its jurisprudence applies to Pod people, unearthly parasites or beings resembling comic book fantasies.
“Star Wars had lots of shooting in outer space and look how many sequels it has had. If it works for the movies, it should work for me,” concluded the impeached former President, heading off on his way to consult with his lawyers about another contempt of court hearing.