Welcome to Webb Telescope 101

Today we investigate the ins and outs of the Webb space telescope as it peers into parts of the universe from epochs even murkier and more ancient than the period when you were in college, difficult as that is to conceive. To begin, brush up on your astronomy by going to a reliable source such as Wikipedia or google and look up various persons named Webb. For extra credit, you can read up on other famous astronomers or space pioneers like Ptolemy, Galileo, Tycho Brahe, Elon Musk, William Shatner and Tim Considine, Space Cadet. To get into the full spirit of the thing, try chomping on Milky Ways and Mars bars washed down by Tang-a source of energy no gastronome or doctor would recommend but a necessity in the service of science, like learning how to spell and pronounce “Ptolemy.”

Now lets’ warm up with a thought experiment. Think of what it would be like to look back all the way to the beginning of time. What would we see? A very tightly wound portable alarm clock? An ancient Timex that the voice of John Cameron Swayze will tell us is still ticking?

Those of you who have no idea who John Cameron Swayze was can try this thought experiment: Was the Big Bang just the sound of an annoyingly loud Westlock alarm or the result of the time piece being smashed-or more satisfyingly, dynamited-by whatever being it first awakened? And what being or other entity could have wound the clock in the first place? A god? A neighbor? Elon Musk? Could there have been not a metaphorical but actual, flesh­ and blood, cis-gendered Father-or, better yet, Mother-Time?

You can probably get grant money and tenure for thought experiments like these–and the Webb telescope won’t spoil the fun or flow of funds by giving away any answers. Other thought experiments teach that it is logically impossible for any human to see all the way back to the origins of time. This is because the advent of time brought with it the advent of procrastination. And therefore it would be impossible for even the most eminent and dedicated of scientists-even a Dr. Ruth, a Dr. Fauci or a modern day Ptolemy with tenure and all sorts of advanced degrees-to avoid the distractions of Werdle or on-line sports betting long enough to see such a massive undertaking to conclusion, let alone write a scientific paper about it.

That the ultimate mystery of the universe may remain tantalizingly just beyond reach does not mean that the Webb telescope may not help unlock other puzzles. Far from it. Data it scans may help establish whether there exist multiverses, as opposed to a single humdrum universe, just as there now exist multigrain rolls and baguettes and not just Wonder Bread. Now try some more thought experiments: for example, think how much bad poetry the existence of multiverses would imply. And if you feel overwhelmed by multitasking today, try contemplating the number of bills, subscription renewals, outdated email addresses and forgotten birthdays that even a second or third universe could emit for you to have to deal with.

Here’s a tip you may find useful: try adding eleven dimensional super string theory to your thought experiments. Simple enough, eleven dimensions of super string theory, why didn’t I think of that? you are probably saying. And if you are paying attention, you realize that super string theory could help the telescope probe black holes and dark matter. And we’re not talking just any old dark matter. We’re talking eleven dimensions of really dark, impenetrable, and probably super-icky stuff like the ambitions and thoughts of Donald Trump, Elise Stefanik or Vladimir Putin, Or Bitcoin or the meaning of dialogue in Harold Pinter plays. Unfortunately, there are no known vaccines, antidotes or even masks that can deal with any of this material, so the surgeon general has recommended that you immediately shut down this particular thought experiment.

But here’s a final, more satisfying one: Visualizing exo-planets. That’s right: X-rated planets that may prove to be as abundant as internet porn sites and could one day be booked as vacation destinations, the Thailands and Amsterdams of our future. If you’re not into that, you still might stumble across other, tamer, less tawdry parallel planets in parallel universes-planets like earth, though without Q Anon, Elise Stefanik or Elon Musk. One could even envision our Webb telescope detecting and in turn being detected by a previously unknown exo-planet’s own Webb telescope. What might happen then? That is a paradox it would take more than eleven dimensions of super string theory or any quantity of dark matter to resolve. It would take Yogi Berra. For that would be surely be “Deja vu all over again.” Only now, armed with eons and eons of accumulated data, scientists may at last seek to confirm the Berra hypothesis: “It ain’t over ’til it’s over.”