Here Comes the Facekini

I have never been a person to have good beach hair.  Salt water and heat lead to frizz which leads to big hair which leads to scaring other beachgoers. However, I realize I am not alone in this follicle tragedy, so I am reaching out to all those who suffer from bad beach hair to tell them there is a solution. No, it’s not some expensive mousse or styling apparatus. The solution is the Facekini, a new product that has the people of China jumping for joy.

I know that you are looking at the picture and saying this is a joke. But I kid you not.  The Facekini is a real product. To be fair, it was designed for sun protection and not bad hair, but it will work for both. The Facekini is a mask that completely covers a beach lover’s head, and leaves openings only for the eyes, nose and mouth thus bad hair problems are also eliminated.

While some in the West might suggest this new Chinese fashion turns one into an alien from a far off planet or a colorful lookalike of Michael Myers or Jason from the Friday the 13th movies, the Chinese say the variety of styles and colors offered by the makers of the Facekini give a beachgoer a fun and whimsical appearance. Hey, its China, the land where saying “shut up” to the wrong person earns you the death penalty, so I am not surprised that the Chinese people think the Facekinis are a feel-good accessory.

The upside to these masks is that they do protect those who don them from all harmful effects of the sun and in Chinese culture, remaining tan free is a sign of higher social status.  Another advantage especially in this economy: You can go from the beach to the nearest bank or convenience store and rob it because you are already in disguise. So, when you think about it, the mask is very practical.

The downside of the Facekini is that you do look like a freak.  The makers of the Facekini say that despite the initial stares one might get from other beach lovers, the masks are taking off and already some of the more popular colors and patterns are sold out of their online store. Okay, I had to do a little digging and found out that most of those who bought the masks are  either wannabe superheroes who want to hide their everyday identity from their criminal archenemies or people who are into kinky sex. Don’t ask the Chinese about this as they will deny my findings.

Frankly, I do see the point of the mask but if you are that afraid of the sun, why are you going to the beach at all? Honestly, I might break down and buy one of these Facekinis just to see what the fuss is about.  I would like to experiment and see how people respond to a fun and friendly Facekini print. However, if the same rules that apply to fashion apply to Facekinis, no horizontal stripes with my fat face. One dip in the ocean and a great white might mistake me for a zebra.