A whale can ejaculate 38 pints of semen. Next time you have bad day, remember it was some scuba diver’s job to collect and measure orca jizz
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 22, 2013
It takes my 3-year-old an hour to go to the bathroom: 2 minutes to pee, and 58 minutes to sing every song she’s ever heard.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 22, 2013
No, I don’t want to donate to storm victims. I ran out of hot water during my 30-minute shower. Where’s my benefit concert?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 22, 2013
Me: My shoe lace broke
Wife: Just buy new shoes. Yours are ratty
M: OK
*buys new shoes*
*removes new laces*
*puts them in old shoes*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 23, 2013
Me: Black jellybeans are terrible. No one likes them.
Wife: I do.
This marriage will never work.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 22, 2013