My New Year’s resolution is to make everyone else break theirs. If you need me, I’ll be in front of the gym passing out doughnuts.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 30, 2013
Hot girl: *changes Facebook profile pic*
*gets 200 “likes”*
Me: *posts new profile pic*
*gets unfriended by mom*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 30, 2013
Wife: I’m hungry.
Me: If you want a zero-calorie snack, you could eat a dick.
You’re all cordially invited to my funeral.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 30, 2013
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 30, 2013
Wife: You take forever at everything.
Me: Everything?
I’m the first guy in history to win an argument by bringing up premature ejaculation
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 30, 2013