Wife: Did you eat all the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: No
W: The box is empty
M:
W: You have like 4 cookies in your mouth
M: I want a lawyer
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 12, 2014
Me: We’re losing ground here.
3-year-old: I found it.
Me: What?
3: The ground.
*points at the floor*
It’s right there.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 12, 2014
3-year-old: DADDY, DID YOU FART?!
It’s always a pleasure sitting with my kids in church.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 12, 2014
HR said no one asks to be sexually harassed. That’s bullshit. I ask to be sexually harassed all the time. Stop ignoring me, ladies.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 12, 2014
I don’t know how many times a day I tell my kids their shirts aren’t napkins. Or tissues. Or tourniquets. Or kindling. Is it bedtime yet?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 12, 2014
It is amazing how many thin mints one can fit in one’s mouth. Congrats on that accomplishment!