3-year-old daughter: Mommy, you’re smart. And pretty. And funny. Me: What about me? 3: Me: 3: Me: 3: You have a beard. I’ll take it.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2014
3-year-old: Can I have Cheez-Its for breakfast? Me: Absolutely not. Eat something healthy 3: Mom isn’t home M:*pours a bowl of Cheez-Its*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2014
Telemarketer: May I call you by your first name? Me: I answer to “Your Majesty” He called me that for an hour. I still didn’t buy anything
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2014
Wife: Why do our daughters have syrup in their hair? Me: I have no idea. Wife: Me: Wife: Me: Wife: Me: I let them have a waffle fight
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2014
Door-to-door Christian guy: Do you feel an emptiness inside you? Me: Yes. Do you have nachos? Him: No bu- M: Get the fuck off my property
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2014