For the past year, we have been inundated with 2012 and the end of the world prophecies. I know that I usually scoff at these prognostications, but I have recently experienced an epiphany and discovered that I have a second sight which allows me to see what will truly be in 2012.
(Disclaimer: My second sight might have as big an astigmatism as my first sight so my predictions are prone to warping, fuzziness and a good amount of blurriness, so read with caution and in fact, disbelief as I don’t want to be sued by some internet jerk who takes whatever he or she reads as the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.)
Prediction 1: The Philadelphia Eagles will have a perfect season. I know; I was shocked too when this came through my crystal ball. Well, in truth, my vision says they will have a nearly perfect season. Unfortunately, their best ever drive to the Super Bowl will be derailed by a big, fat meteor in late December which will prevent them from going to the playoffs. The best thing about this disaster is that the Eagles’ fans will have more important things on their minds than their team not getting into post-season play so there will be no crying and moaning about how unfair life is to city of Philadelphia and how Andy Reid should be hung upside down from the Liberty Bell.
On a related note: The Phillies will still have the best team in baseball and will still manage to screw up in the first round of the National League playoffs. This has nothing to do with the end of the world as this happens way before December, but I just thought I would put it out there in case they read this and want to do something to prove me wrong!
Prediction 2: Barak Obama will produce a birth certificate that will knock the socks off Donald Trump and force him to concede that Obama is indeed an American. At the same time, Rick Perry is found to be an illegal alien — from Mars , but believe it or not, the Rick Perry controversy will not help the President get back into the White House. The Tea Party will win all elections. Unfortunately, for them, that pesky end of the world total destruction thing will occur and before any of them take office, they will be raptured – to Hell. Yep, Hell. When they realize they took the “down” elevator, they will send their leader, Tim Tebow to ask God ,
“Hey, what the Hell?”
and God will respond,
“Exactly! You people really piss me off.”
Also being raptured to Hell: idiotic people who think it is there god-given right to judge, insult and witch hunt anyone who does not believe in what they believe. Yes, this world-ending event is starting to look better and better, right? Also, being raptured to the bad place: the producers of Jersey Shore for giving us Snooki and her band of illiterate beach dwellers who with their drunken stupidity have made all New Jersey and a good number of Italians look bad. Bill O’Reilly (need you ask why?) and ESPN are also on the express car to rapture hell because they are arrogant and really bad at journalism and won’t admit it. Oops, sorry; I think I am getting my second sight mixed up with my wishful thinking. Who knows? They might both bring about a great result.
Prediction 3: Wall Street and bank CEOs will realize that the Occupy Wall Street protestors were right all along and they announce that they will forgive all mortgages, all student loans, all medical bills and all credit card debt as of December 24, 2012 How lucky for them the world ends on December 23rd.
Well, those are the first of my 2012 visions. I am sure there will be more down the road as I tweak this new second sight or get new glasses or whatever. If you need some more personal insight, feel free to ask as I take paypal. I cannot guarantee accuracy, but I can guarantee your life will not look too boring.