Relationships Explained

As a guy, I’m inherently unable to understand the meaning of relationships. This puzzle has haunted me for a good many years with many repercussions. So, a while ago I started to do my own analysis of what women really mean by “having a relationship”, and I think I’ve finally found a solution that speaks the truth.

First, it’s necessary to break down the word “relationship” into it’s various components, and then apply some deep insight into what it’s all about.

1. Re – Re is a commonly used prefix meaning again, as in the commonly used word regurgitate, obviously meaning to gurgitate again, and if you’re like me, this word makes you shiver, because gurgitating once is more than enough for me. It’s disgusting.

2. La – La, according to Julie Andrews, is a note that follows so, but that just makes no sense in the context, so we’ll examine a bit more carefully. In the word relationship, the pronunciation of La is actually more like the word lay, and this makes a lot more sense. As you can see, at the beginning of a relationship, you get rela, or re-lay phonetically, and it’s true, in the beginning of a relationship, you’ll  most likely get laid over and over again. It’s a trick.

3. Tion – When I read the word Tion, I imagine a magical land where unicorns frolic with bunnies, and sunflowers grow as far as the eye can see, but in the context of a relationship, there are no happy frolicking bunnies, in reality, Tion is pronounced shun, which means to deliberately avoid. So, after getting laid repeatedly in the beginning of a relationship, you are now mysteriously shunned for no good reason, I mean, you can’t really help looking at an attractive 24 year old women, you’re a man for god’s sake. It’s science.

4. Ship – I’ve come to the conclusion that ship  can have a double meaning in the context of a relationship. First, ship can mean that you are ready to head out the door, to ship yourself as far away from this person who seems to have changed on a dime for one little indiscretion, and has completely lost their mind; it’s really not fair, and you just don’t understand. The second meaning, which can also lead you to want to ship yourself off, is that the person whom you are in the relationship with has taken on the “larger than life” physical characteristics of a ship, and you just can’t fit into a bed together anymore. It’s sad.

So, in conclusion, the course of a relationship starts with getting laid, over and over again, in all types of places, even some that you didn’t know existed, or didn’t realize you could actually fit into. After some time of this,  your biologically mandated wandering eyes start to look around, which inevitably leads to being shunned by the significant other. This depression causes her to eat ice cream, and eat cake, and eat candy, and much much more, eventually turning her into a ship docked on the couch 24/7, which makes you want to ship out and do it all over again, which is the real mystery.