A. You know it’s summer when:
… you lose five pounds in two hours just from sweating
… you go to your favorite quiet spot in the local park and find it occupied by ten adults, fifteen kids, two dogs, twelve folding chairs, four big beach towels, two radios and three barbecue grills on which hamburgers, hot dogs and steaks are sending up smoke signals
… you head for the beach the minute the Health Department announces that the medical waste has all been cleared out
… you get into the water as quickly as possible, hoping that people won’t notice all the fat spilling over the top of your bathing suit
… you buy a whole pint of that scrumptious lemon and strawberry flavored Italian ice, and scarf it all down the minute you get home
B. Ladies, when the temperature hits 90 and the humidity makes you feel like you are under water, you are entitled to walk around wearing a pair of shorts, a tee shirt tied up under your bazooms like a midriff top, a pair of flip-flops on your feet and a clip that makes your hair stand up like a peacock tail. Nobody will care how you look, except maybe that pervert who is taking your picture to post on the Internet. You are permitted to flip him the bird and kick him in the groin. That’ll show him!
C. Gentlemen, the same goes for you. All bets are off when it’s hot and humid. Of course, no woman will ever complain if you decide to make yourself look good, especially if you are drop-dead gorgeous. Just a suggestion.
D. For the finance-challenged, a cheap version of a vacation trip to Bora Bora: (1) put on a bathing suit; (2) fill an inflatable kiddie pool with water and put it outside on the lawn; (3) set up a battery-operated fan near the kiddie pool and turn it on; (4) bring out a battery-operated CD player and put on a recording of ocean waves or Polynesian music; (5) put on sunglasses, step into the kiddie pool, lie down, close your eyes and feel the trade winds blowing. Don’t get up until the summer ends or the battery in the fan runs down, whichever comes first.
E. Laziness is permitted on hot days. That’s the rule. Warning: bosses, customers and spouses might not agree with this. Just so you know.