I’ve never hung up garlic to ward off vampires, but I’ve been known to leave beef jerky lying around to scare away vegans.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 27, 2013
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 27, 2013
Marriage is like a roller coaster ride: It’s scary, but getting out in the middle of it will probably kill you.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 27, 2013
My wife’s boobs are getting huge, but I can’t touch them because she says they’re sore. This pregnancy is way harder on me than it is on her
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 27, 2013
I lost all but the top button on my pea coat. I’m psyched. This is the closest I’ll ever come to wearing a cape.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 27, 2013
