My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, I’m going to poop today!” Life is more exciting when you have big plans.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 6, 2013
Don’t bother trying to cheer me up, chipper morning person. The fact that you exist at all is enough to ruin my day.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 6, 2013
Congrats on blowing by me at 80 mph to hit this red light two seconds before me. You’re the reason I wish I owned a police spike strip.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 6, 2013
It was awkward when my mom congratulated me for this pregnancy. She’s basically happy I’m good at jabbing things with my penis.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 6, 2013
The package says these cookies don’t contain any gluten. Apparently “gluten” is a synonym for “flavor.”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 6, 2013