Me: Don’t say "fart."
3-year-old: Is it a bad word?
Me: You’re fucking right it is.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 11, 2013
Surgeons can now replace damaged human heart values with pig parts. It’s fair since pigs are the ones who clogged them in the first place.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 11, 2013
You’re ugly when you’re angry. Of course, you’re ugly when you’re happy, too. That’s probably why you were mad in the first place.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 11, 2013
I would stop being miserable, but I’m really good at it. I’d hate for all that expertise to go to waste.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 11, 2013
The thing I don’t understand about tequila is how someone managed to fit all the bad decisions in the world into one bottle.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 11, 2013
So, when did you realize you have absolutely no control in your house? And what if this next child is a girl? You will just be absorbing estrogen by osmosis!
I am absolutely certain the next child will be a girl. I’m obviously being punished for being a terrible person.