What my kids use as a trampoline: 1) the couch 2) the bed 3) me if I lie down What they don’t use as a trampoline: 1) our trampoline
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 21, 2014
The stages of marriage: 1) madly in love 2) politely tolerant 3) extremely annoyed 4) “Dateline” murder mystery
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 21, 2014
Wife: Sorry I butt-dialed you. Me: So… would you say it was a booty call? Wife: It’s like I have a force field that repels vaginas.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 21, 2014
1-year-old: *gives her food to the dog* Me: No! 1: *takes food out of the dog’s mouth* *eats it* It’s my fault for trying to parent.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 22, 2014
3: Can I have candy? Me: Mom said “no” 3: After she falls asleep? She thinks the rules are different if Mom can’t see. I taught her well.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 21, 2014
My son has begun French kissing the dogs, and he says there’s nothing wrong with it because dogs mouths are cleaner than humans. I’m like…THAT’S what you think the problem here is?