Me: I’ll take 10 pounds of good will. Clerk: We don’t sell that. Me: But it’s the name of this store. Clerk: Me:*tips over clothes rack*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 14, 2014
If you don’t have at least one contingency plan to fake your own death and flee to South America, then you’re not really married.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 14, 2014
I did a 20-minute victory dance when the voicemail I got was just a hang-up, so, yes, I’d say I’m an introvert.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 14, 2014
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath? Me: No. Wife: Me: What? They’ll just get dirty again. It’s like she doesn’t think ahead.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 14, 2014
Doctor: Smoking will make you die a horrible, painful death. Teen: But will it make me look cool? Doctor: Teen: Doctor: Well obviously.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 14, 2014
