4-year-old: Why do you get sad when you get the mail? Me: It’s nothing but bills. 4: You should tell Bill to stop writing you letters.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 6, 2014
Girls posts on Facebook that she’s pregnant: 250 likes. I post that I gave birth to a food baby: 0 likes. Stupid gender discrimination.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 6, 2014
Sorry I didn’t offer you my umbrella when it was raining. I wanted to find out once and for all if witches melt.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 7, 2014
Me: Would it be awkward if I- Wife: YES. Me: I didn’t say what it was. Wife: Everything you do is awkward.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 7, 2014
The next time I hear about a celebrity “wardrobe malfunction,” it better be because a huge wooden wardrobe fell over and crushed them.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 6, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyr8D7T 3/13/14: pic.twitter.com/dhA9koOcle
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) August 29, 2014
everyone should have a pet giraffe especially if they are in a high crime area.