Productivity, meet Netflix. Netflix, meet- Netflix, put down that knife! Run, productivity! Run! Netflix, you killed it! Why? Oh why?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 11, 2014
Doctor: Questions? Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor? Him: Me Him: She’s a baby Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 11, 2014
Wife: When’s the last time you read something? Me: I read the McDonald’s menu all the time Wife: Me: I lied. I just look at the pictures.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 11, 2014
Wife: Did you feed the kids candy bars for lunch?! Me: No! What kind of dad do you think I am? Wife Me: The candy bars were for breakfast
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 11, 2014
People w/ the worst life expectancies 1) red shirts on Star Trek 2) parents in Disney movies 3) any man asked by a woman if she looks fat
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 11, 2014