Relationship status: My wife asked me what my favorite color was and then told me I was wrong.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 20, 2014
I always hate the boring few weeks between when Kim Kardashian gets married and when she gets divorced.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 19, 2014
Here’s a helpful tip for everyone who drives below the speed limit in a no-passing zone: 1) Unbuckle your seat belt. 2) Drive off a cliff.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 19, 2014
*proofreads tweet 100 times* *admires its grammatical perfection* *hits “send”* *finds a typo*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 19, 2014
Relationship status: My wife knows exactly how much my life insurance policy is worth.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 19, 2014