Me: I’m vacuuming. I’ll close the door so I don’t bother you. Wife: Thanks. Me: *turns on vacuum* *takes a nap*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 26, 2014
4-year-old: How do birds fly? Me: Their wings generate enough lift to overcome gravity. 4: Me: Magic. 4: I knew it!
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 26, 2014
I don’t care if they’re uncool. I’ll wear cargo shorts until someone invents a better way to get 19 pound of beef jerky into a movie theater
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 26, 2014
4-year-old: I’m pretending Barbie went to an island. Me: Why is she missing her legs? 4: I pulled them off. She stepped in lava.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 27, 2014
Me: There are plenty of fish in the sea. Friend: So I should get back out there? Me: No. You should get a goldfish so you don’t die alone.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 27, 2014
