I ate an entire cake, but it was vanilla instead of chocolate so I’m counting it as a diet food.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 3, 2014
Me: Like my parachute pants? Wife: I would if you jumped out of a plane. Me: I don’t think they work that way. Wife: You should risk it.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 3, 2014
4-year-old: What are you doing? Me: Nothing. 4: Can I watch you do it?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 3, 2014
I walked through my house in the dark and stepped on something squishy. I’m not dumb enough to turn on the light. I’ll just cut off my foot.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 3, 2014
Whatever, vegans. You don’t truly love the earth until you learn to photosynthesize your own sunlight.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 3, 2014