Baby: *makes a horrific snarling grimace that looks like she’s going to eat my soul* My wife: Aww, she’s smiling.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 5, 2014
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because my incredible sexiness is distracting other drivers. Cop: Me: *revs minivan*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 5, 2014
4-year-old: Someone pooped on my window. Me: Was it a bird? 4-year-old: I hope so.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 5, 2014
4-year-old: I can eat candy for breakfast. I’m on vacation. Me: Vacation from what? 4: From not eating candy.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 5, 2014
My kids always complain the back of our minivan is hot. Today I noticed the vents have been closed for months. They should’ve whined better.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 5, 2014