My recent Google searches: calories burned sitting calories burned chewing gum calories burned vigorously chewing gum pie recipes
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 12, 2014
2-year-old: *mumbles* Me: What did she say? 4-year-old: She said you should give her candy to me. I’m raising a con artist.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 12, 2014
Me: *opens van door with the remote* 4-year-old: How did you do that? Me: The key fob. 4: Me: I’m a wizard. 4: Can I hug you?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 12, 2014
Me: I’m thinking of a number between 1 & 100 Wife: Me: It’s less than 70 but more than 68 Wife: Me: If that finger is a 1, you’re wrong.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 12, 2014
Fellow dad: Doesn’t being a parent make you feel alive? Me: I ache everywhere and I’m full of existential angst Fellow dad: Yep, that’s it
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 12, 2014