Candy Rules!

I like candy. And I’m a grownup. So there.

Now before you get all up in my Triglyceride grill, I don’t binge on it or eat it all day long. But I sure do enjoy me a handful of Gobstoppers every so often.

I know that is very uncool of me, and on the surface seems to demonstrate a lack of that thing that parents are supposed to do. What is it? Oh yeah, lead by example, or some such nonsense.

Look, I eat vegetables. And fruit. This household has a rule, that started when the kids were tiny, that we have to eat some fruit and/or vegetables before every meal, as well as the fiber rich nutrients that I hide in the main entree so my family actually can claim to follow the food pyramid.

But I don’t go crazy with the damned kale-as-the-savior-of-mankind crap. I hate kale. It is tough, chewy, has a really lousy taste, and requires way too much effort to make it palatable. And so bloody trendy. Get away from me with that disgusting kale smoothie. There are so many other easy to prepare, and much more tasty, vegetables. Why work so hard? It’s like chopping down a tree and running it through the mill just to get a toothpick.

Jeez, even McDonald’s is jumping on the kale bandwagon with some sort of inedible breakfast bowl that no amount of sausage or bacon or hypnosis will make me want to go anywhere near the drive-thru line. Not even if you deep-fry the stuff.

Same with Brussels sprouts. Talk about your trendy chef’s menu item of the month. It’s one of the two things I still refuse to eat from my childhood (the other being eggplant). Don’t get me wrong, because I am an adult I do try Brussels sprouts every few years just to make sure that, yup, they still taste like sewer dirt, and I’m still not gonna eat ’em.

I once had a guy say to me, “Oh, you just haven’t had MY recipe for Brussels sprouts,” and then proceeded to spend the next 15 minutes explaining all the different ingredients and cooking magic he had to do to transform that little green dirtball into something edible. When I pointed that out to him, he paused for a minute then said, “Oh my God, you’re right.”

It’s okay, I know some of you love Brussels sprouts and eggplant and kale. Good for you. I want you to rest assured that I won’t take your share.

I know parents that have banned candy and sweets from their homes, under the guise of teaching their kids to eat in a healthy manner. But because I have kids, I know what their kids are doing. Whenever they get the chance, they go out and cram as much candy down their gaping maws as fast as they can, even if they have to swipe it from their friend’s secret stash, upset stomach be damned. Like the stuff was heroin.

Likewise, I don’t want to fight a big battle over vegetables, turning every dinner into a familial version of the Middle East. Let’s just enjoy the meal. That’s why our salads are almost all spinach leaves. Just sneakin’ those dark greens in there in the form of a harmless little salad. Still inside the pyramid.

And since we haven’t eliminated candy from the house, it’s not a “forbidden fruit,” and they don’t crave it every waking moment of the day, like they do their interactions with the glowing smartphone screen. Another war avoided. Hey, I’m a peacenik.

So that’s why I like candy. Just a handful every so often. ‘Cause I’m a grownup.