July 13, 2015
___ ____ _____ _____
Bronx, NY _____
RE: Letter of Resignation
This letter will serve as notice that, effective as soon as possible, I am resigning from your service. This includes doing laundry, sweeping and dusting the floor, dusting the furniture, washing dishes, cleaning the bathroom, straightening up, going through piles of stuff that have been accumulating on every free surface, taking out the garbage and recycling, grocery shopping and other errands, and, above all, washing windows.
In other words, I QUIT! Clean up your own messes from now on!
I would serve notice to the cat, too, but she can’t read and she doesn’t speak English. I guess I’ll still have to feed and water her and clean her litter box, unless I can find someone who speaks Cat and who can explain all this to her. Do you know anyone?
I was not meant to do grubby housework. I am an artist. I string words together and create essays and other bits that make people laugh. Pardon me for saying this, but I’d rather be writing than scrubbing the toilet.
If I’m not writing, I’d rather post cute pictures of the cat on Facebook, play free games on my computer, read my Kindle or fool around taking selfies with my iPhone.
You are a hard and cruel boss. You’re always looking around the apartment and saying, “What a mess!” You then charge me with cleaning it up. I hint and hint to you that I don’t want to do what you want me to do, but to no avail. You still look around the apartment, shudder and tell me to get off my rear and do something about it.
I refuse to take this abuse anymore. I am emancipating myself. I will no longer be a broom-wielding slave to a cruel mistress. I won’t even be politically correct and call you a master instead of a mistress. How’s that for rebellion?
You want my advice? HIRE A MAID!