I have just come from my friend D’s house, where she showed us the pictures she took of our trip to Oyster Bay in August. I saw myself as the camera sees me, and in some of those pictures I was wearing a bathing suit.
I am going on a diet. NOW!
I, Florencia Testadimerda-Schmidt, do solemnly swear that I will count calories, count carbohydrates, eat only healthy food and never let my mouth touch a red velvet cupcake again, until I reach my ideal weight. I will not look a potato in the eye, nor will I allow even a crumb of bread to pass over the teeth and under the gums.
Attested to this 12th day of October, 2015, in my own presence because nobody that I know believes that I will do this.
October 11, 2015
I weighed myself this morning. After the initial shock wore off, I got on the scale three more times to make sure it was weighing me correctly. It was. I noted the number and put my nightie back on.
My breakfast was one hard-boiled egg, one small Granny Smith apple and coffee with fat-free non-dairy creamer and Equal. I don’t like green apples and I like as much cream as coffee in my coffee. I am on a crusade here, though. Anything that tastes good doesn’t qualify as diet food.
I had no trouble getting through the morning because I went to church. You can’t eat in church, not even a green apple. As luck would have it, the Ladies’ Altar Guild was having its annual bake sale in the church basement, but I stuck my nose in the air and walked past it. I am on a mission.
I spent the rest of Sunday in the park. My lunch consisted of another green apple (I had bought a whole bag of them at the supermarket), a teeny-tiny bit of albacore tuna (packed in water) and a lot of iceberg lettuce, with nothing but a tablespoon of vinegar on it. It made my mouth pucker, but I was so hungry I scarfed it down, anyway. There was no other food in the park, so I was safe.
At home again, I fell asleep in front of the television set and dreamed that I was being devoured by a giant cream puff.
October 12, 2015
It’s Monday and I have to go to work. I got dressed and ate the same breakfast I ate yesterday. I never thought I’d say this, but when you’re dying of hunger and coffee-deprived, even Granny Smith apples and Coffeemate can taste good – temporarily, until the stomach gets finished with them, which is damned fast.
Someone brought Krispy Kreme donuts to work and set them out in the pantry. My desk is next to the pantry. I could smell the blessed donuts all morning. I couldn’t stand it. I went to grab one and there were none left. I don’t remember what happened next. My co-workers told me that I was tearing the donut box into pieces and muttering, “Carbs! Carbs!” When I came to, I was lying on the couch in the ladies’ room.
Ashamed of my lapse in will power, I ate the same lunch I ate yesterday and spent the rest of my day doing my work. Nobody brought any more goodies. I know. I was checking.
At night, I had that same dream about the giant cream puff, but this time it laughed at me before it ate me.
October 13, 2015
I called in sick and spent the day in bed. Even I can’t eat when I’m asleep.
October 14, 2015
I ate the same wretched stuff that I ate on Sunday and Monday. I will not dignify it by calling it food. In order to feel full, I drank 20 glasses of water. I spent half the day in the ladies’ room.
October 15, 2015
I hate dieting! I hate those little green apples! I HATE EVERYBODY! If the whole world knows what’s best for it, it will stay out of my way!
I WANT A BIG HUNK OF BLACK FOREST CAKE, AND I WANT IT NOW!!!
October 16, 2015
I brought out my scale and weighed myself. I lost ¼ pound! All that suffering, and I lost a lousy ¼ pound!
All my friends have been avoiding me, and nobody at work will talk to me. ALL FOR A F***ING ¼ POUND!!!
Even the giant cream puff in my recurring dream runs when it sees me coming.
On the way to work, I stop at Dunkin Donuts and buy two dozen assorted donuts, as a peace offering to the office. I eat two of them before I get to my building, and two more after I get to my desk.